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Smart Phones

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
July 11, 2020 8:03 am

Smart Phones

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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July 11, 2020 8:03 am

​Your teenager wants a smart phone. Everybody has one. How do you respond? On a best-of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, two guests help you navigate the questions and pitfalls of smart phone usage and your children. How do you deal with your fears of losing control? Could a smart phone actually improve your relationship? Hear the encouraging conversation on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. 

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Your teenager wants a smart phone or demands. One, how do you respond don't miss today's Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman in your house they live in the same code as Jupiter growing up in a foreign country were losing opportunities to influence and relating to our kids were also please.

We might've become infested more brainpower and something more.

Heart: welcome to building the ship with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" .

Smart phones help us connect with other tool for learning and growth. There also were substitute coping skills, emotional intelligence, worship, self-care, and a good night sleep I guess. So this summer best a broadcast believe we need to address issue surrounding smart phones from effective and that's what going to hear straight ahead. Thank you for joining us for a broadcast that originally aired in September of last year and was so practical, so timely really. It affects almost everything looks like smart phones can be really really helpful in family life like a mouse with your instructor known to the family so I'm excited about this conversation today and part of the conversation is the speed of technology and how it's changing what I was growing up during the closest to a smart phone I had was a party life, but you remember the party line which means everybody on the party line is listening to what you so if they want you we go a long ways we have let me introduce our guests Dr. Kathy Cook KO CH is how you spell her last name. She's founder and president of celebrate kids Inc. Christian ministry based in Fort Worth, Texas.

She speaks around the country and around the world. We talked with her about screens and teens eight great smarts as well as start with the heart.

She's joined today by David Eaton who is the president and cofounder of axis whose mission is to empower the next generation to think clearly and critically about what they believe and to take ownership of their faith, we have a link for you@ 5lovelanguages.com to access.org just got a five love languages.com. Dr. Cook and David, welcome to Building Relationships. Thank you. Great to be here to tell us about axis. What is it, how did you come up with the idea what's it all about.

Just imagine Dr. Chapman Lewis and MTV if they made a baby they would name their baby and what we mean by that is all about culture, translation when you think of your 818-year-old they live in your house they live in the same code as you but there growing up in a foreign country so we help parents understand what's going on their kids world out like that like this there's a young lady who came up to us and she said she said thus only had one real conversation with my dad and where that were like that is not good you're having a thousand conversations a week with your smart phone. How can you only have one real conversation with her dad but then she smiled. She says only had one real conversation with my dad. We've never stopped having that one conversation in the 60 year conversation parent that with the kids in a 30 year conversation.

Grandparents are with their grandkids and our job is to help that conversation be awesome.

Understand that there's a cultural translator and their parent guides available@axis.org. What kind of resources do you offer so the culture translator. It's a weekly email that's free and it's it's it's here are three things that are happening in your kids world right now and how to have conversations about it.

If you feel behind what's going on your kids world culture translator for you so that you know that broccoli means weedeater you know that who post Malone is.

He's not even artists, singer, and again will help you come up to speed with our culture, translator and their parent guides. We know the parents are busy and so you should definitely read Kathy Cook's books stand.

However, if you're to think I just want to know what fortnight is an eight pages or less. That's where parent guides are for 70 different parent guides Manchester fast master class on what's going on your kids world and those online also. Yes sir, if you go to axis.org/radio we have a free coupon for one of those. It's also linked to five love languages.com.

Your organization is celebrate kids. How do you serve, parents, teachers and other ministry workers you think scary. First, let me just say thank you David for that set out about my books and I want to give a shout out to all of your Michelle your translator has helped me tremendously. Like I remember when I read the broccoli is actually read like I didn't know that and it's valuable to know that as you are listening to these conversations. Young people are having. So I just love you and Jeremiah and your team.

There is access and I Gary thinks having me back on the show at celibate kids were passionate. The parents raise the children. They were given that the children they wish they had. We love helping you get to know your kids and what turns them on and takes them often and how do you parent them wisely. How do you represent the authority that God gives you to them in such a way that they would respond well to you and it's just where it would were so passionate for the family. So we do it through public speaking at events and churches and schools and conventions and community rallies and then I'm an author with Moody.

As you know, so privilege for that and just a light to be a difference maker had the privilege of speaking with you on several occasions. Dr. Cook and deeply appreciate all that you're doing to help the families in America, especially parents, thank you, David. You said that the issue with parent teen relationships isn't unanswered questions.

It's unquestioned answers what you mean by that unanswered question. We will always unanswered question smart you get, the more answer questions you have. We think the issues unquestioned answers what we assume to be true, but we haven't said why do I think this way. Why do I believe what I believe and suppertime of smart phones today.

I think a big unquestioned answer is when should you get your kid a phone should you get your telephone and so have a question for you Dr. Chapman, at what age did you get your drivers license. 16.

And did you get on your 16th birthday or a few months after that I would've gotten them 1/16 birthday January 10. However, I taught my father into taking me to the drivers station.

It was pouring down snow and it was close. When we got there so I had to wait till the next day but I was always grateful that my father Lisa. Okay, so I'll take it down there now question had have you noticed that when kids are turning 16 that they're not getting her driver's license on their 16th birthday, come rain, snow, sleet or hail eyes, I've noticed that I noticed that because I don't have any teenagers. Yeah, I mean, it seems like students are waiting till late in the 16th year.

17. Even 18 years old before they're getting a drivers license and were talking unquestioned answers why think when the main reasons are waiting is because the smart phone is the new drivers license. It is giving them the agency they need the freedom to be with their friends whatever they want to be with their friends and so it's causing the next generation to postpone adulthood. Wait till they drive and I think something else that's very interesting with that as as a parent you would never give your kids the keys to the car when they turn 16, without an adequate level of training. I mean I think anyone lives in us can remember like you to drive the pinouts that you're from a mean 4050 hours in the car with your parents. There's a written pass this class is your to go to.

There's a driving test. There is so much get to do before you get the car keys to drive the car.

However, when it comes to the smart phone is just like hey get you 10 years old.

Hey you're 12. Hey, it's your birthday, you know actually secret what parents get their kids a phone because they don't have land lines at home so they want to leave their 10-year-old home so they can go on a date or go to grocery store and that is like. I just wish you had a phone so I could contact you something that happened. So again I think one of the biggest unquestioned answers right now is all around the smart phone and discipling our kids to be ready to use it with wisdom. Number of helpful books sees the founder and president of celebrate kids Inc. Christian ministry based in Fort Worth, Texas, David Eaton is joining us as well from accessing.

Find out more about them at that website. Five love languages.com what is a smart phone and what is it what is it do most of the people are listening know that. But there are a few older people like me who do not know everything, a smart phone can do a smart phone like a modern Swiss Army knife.

It fits in your pocket and he can do anything I like to affectionately call it a pocket rectangle.

It's almost like another appendage. If you remove the smart phone from a 17-year-old bill for like you have like amputated one of their arms so there's more technological capacity in that phone then there was the put a man on the moon. I mean it's just this incredible innovation of human collaboration and I'm assuming that most people who are listening this have one in their pocket right now. Let me expand on that day that I often also use the jackknife analogy and that's one of the reasons that it's so hard when we do take away from kids. It is their connection to their tribes their people.

I'm including a mom and a dad and you know maybe a coach that they need to be able to get a hold of. It also is the calculator. It is there map. It is their phone book. It is the dictionary it is you know the web and so when we talk about addiction.

Addiction is real and we can come back and talk about that if you guys want to but that again is something that we need to understand so I love to recommend that moms and dads get the children and alarm clock and old-fashioned actual alarm clock so they don't have to have the phone by the bed and we can buy them a dictionary and thesaurus and no junk we can get them an old-fashioned calculator so that when we asked that their phone be put up to be charged at night when we have additional free space and place there not to look at us to go but I have to have my phone.

It's my calculator I'm working on math so that something for us to consider their lifeline to their lifeline to social activities so I always think it's good to think, to feel what it feels like. Try to feel what it felt like to be a 15-year-old and be left out. For those of you looking just imagine that party that you were invited to that birthday party were included in that time you got grounded in your parents would let you go to New Year's Eve thing or whatever and just. It felt terrible to be left out. Well if your sixth-grader doesn't have a phone they're going to feel left out a 50% of the conversations that happen at their school and so usually you just come home from school and like your relationship you're done you know you're at home there's some peace that comes from that. But now, because the smart phone you come home from school and the conversations light up so like Kathy says it can do anything. It deftly type them into the relationships of the friends it's really hard to leave the company and everything that's a label smart phone. Chris and I go back to the time where was all land lines you use when I saw your smart phone. I married you have a smart phone, for I am a smart phone so you use it. It's just that you use it for what you use it for a not everything else right now I'm not married to my smart phone okay and in fact sometimes people complain and mean the site since your Texan and you didn't respond to me. It's only been a day to give me a break because if you don't respond immediately.

People are what's wrong with him. They did not get my text well.

This is an exciting topic and I really am glad the both of you are with us today to talk about it is to this on a scale of 0 to 10, how much of a struggle.

Is this with parents and teenagers today. You know for some it's a 20 that's way beyond 10, and for others it's a two or three because they know their family values. They know their children and they have been brave to say no you're not mature enough yet you you're not showing enough respect that we would trust you with this device. The know is the know and they've chosen that boundary and they've defended themselves, and they've thought about it before they needed to think about it, so that in the heat of the battle, they went manipulative into a quick yes that they then regret that.

I think it really is a little bit of everything. There certainly are some parents that are angry and frustrated and kids who are as well, for any number of reasons I love to tell appearance that you can always step back like it's okay to maybe give a young child a phone who is going to be left alone but that she doesn't need the Internet on a phone. She does need games in a phone and she doesn't need she needs three numbers 911. Mom, dad, maybe a neighbor. Maybe a grandmother so five or six people in the in the contact list and if you've gone beyond that and it was premature and now your child is showing that you know he or she is not mature enough to handle the gaming or handle the social media handle the texting, then guess what you look him in the eye and you say you know what, I love you too much to allow this to continue. We made some mistakes were not bad and you're not a bad kid were making some decisions based on what were observing in your character and working to make some changes here because we love you too much to allow this to continue.

So parents who are willing to back out and and stand up for themselves that might feel like a 1012 28 you know dilemma for a while but then it's in a come back, I think, to a point of less discord and more contentment.

But you gotta work at it, David. What if you seen in your work. Maybe it's 11 struggled with parents and teens today like you said if if you're a parent is like ahead of the curve on this. That's awesome smart phone can be one of the greatest tool to disciple your kids because it's going to force conversations to make it sleep smart like the new University allow the ideas the students didn't even have coming at them until they were off the college. It's now in their pocket but to the tell story house with a dad and he's like, we spend three to $4000 a year on all of our families devices.

So all of our pocket rectangles and all of the data plans that go with them and he said only to get in a yelling match once a week with Mike and so it's just there are so many different conversations. A very part time youth pastor I was over at one of the youth homes, their mother asked me to come over and talk to the family about smart phones like you know these kids love me this is mom.

She likes me. It's great artist go over and will have a sane conversation. A rational conversation about this phone when I walked in the door.

The kids wouldn't even look at their mother. They had their backs turned to her kitchen table. They were crying, not sad tears. But like hot I am so angry and the first thing they said is that David you just don't understand. My mom, you just don't understand. And then as I tried to say will let's talk about this with the reasonable. It ended and utter failure. And as I was walking down the steps away from their house.

The young lady.

The 16-year-old. She said David. The stricter the parent to sneak the child and the moral of the story is I failed and also that young lady ended up getting two iPhones, one for her mom's house and one for her dad's house.

Her parents were divorced and so the parents were actually fighting over this so I would say there is a lot of is a lot of fear and a lot of insecurity surrounding this is very powerful device list to see here because I think many parents they heard all of this. They sing some of it themselves. They've heard stories from other parents and then they do they are fearful of what the smart phone is going to do to their children.

So how does a parent not just simply act out of fear, and maybe overreact. How do we do we manage that the fear factor. I'll start with this comments and then I will. I'm really eager to hear David's take on this.

Let's respond in prayer. Let's respond with opening the word of God because that would not be God's intent that we would be fearful that we would give that much power to a device in our pocket, she would want us to interact with love as our compelling motivation and not fear not shame, not blame side I'd love for us first to pray to turn to the Lord and ask him to resurrect within us a love and a belief in ourselves and our children and to have this the hard conversations that are causing the fear not seeing that you avoid that. But let's start with God and what he would say to us about our anxiety and our stress and our fear. That's where I would start.

I love you Kathy, I just want to be like a standing ovation. Every time you have such a great ability to bring it back to the heart think the issue when I think about fear. I think about movies and something that creates a great movie is some kind of primal challenge that whether it's a shark chasing you to the water.

Somebody's kidnap your kids the end of the world.

It's something like that. I think the smart phone in a very strange way represent something primal it right represent something that could take our kids away from us.

That could get them to believe something that's wrong that could hurt them and so I mean you're going to have sensations of fear. It's going to hit your body unit when I have my feel fear I feel it in the center of my chest and so on. What I would encourage you to do is if you feel that fear coming up pretend it's a volleyball and your you're holding the volleyball in both of your hands and your holding it.

You know right where your chest is and this is a flick that represents the fear and it's not really real volleyball and then pray and invite the Holy Spirit into that because like you said Dr. Chapman, you don't. Don't be leaving out of fear that specially comes the phone because what happens is, let's say you could say something, you know, really scary to you like I saw two boys kissing today at school or my friends or face being what you think about that or you hear them you some term you don't know what it is you. It would be easy to lash out and when you lash out. Say what you doing anything about that way saying that all the sudden their essay. It's not safe to tell my parents about what I'm facing at school or on the phone so as a parent to try to practice your I'm not shocked face so you know your kids say something and you know any like all my favorite artist is Billy I wish and you're like okay and you go check out the lyrics to some of those songs watch music video of what she has created and you come back you freak out and all of a sudden you say, I'm never to tell my mom that again. However, if you practice your I'm not shocked face. You can ask great questions.

Be curious about their world. Pretend it's a foreign country and your visitor and you want to understand what gins he is like and and then something that should just be a recurring phrase in your home to tell your kids that they can tell you anything you think you can tell me anything. Good stuff, bad stuff hard stuff. Just know I'm your mom I'm your dad. You can tell me anything.

I'm on but to be fair you know and you don't doesn't get away with everything. But I am in your corner and I love you I'm on your side and both of you believe the smart phones can improve the relationship between parents and teenagers. So let's talk little bit about the positive side, I mean their incredible tools.

I think it's tempting from a non-Christian worldview to say that both the say that the phone is neutral and that any technology is neutral and again I think a lot of Christians would say oh it's it's neutral and I think their mill there well-meaning. However, I think if we look at Scripture says that God made the world and he made the world very good. We are supposed to cultivate a protected take care of it be fruitful and multiply, and then there is this curse that happens because of her disobedience.

So instead of starting off if you don't to be nagging with your kids phone don't start off just saying it's neutral or just always thing about what's wrong with it. Start off by celebrating how ingenious it is and start off by celebrating what's awesome about it.

Then you can bring in this idea of the curse and then you bring in.

This idea of Jesus came so that we could be redeemed.

How can we as a family redeemed his phone. That's the big picture, but parents are there certain conversations you can start via text with your kid, which are awesome their phone apps that you can use their scheduling capabilities man when you're 14-year-old is done with soccer practice. It's just nice to be able to call them figure out which filled the rest you can pick him up my life and my granddaughter text each other once a day.

She's in college and from the day she started her freshman year that they texted each other just wanted this one or two brief text back and forth just touching base and then every Sunday. My granddaughter calls her grandmother has little chat with her. Well that's powerful yet I love that I have two nieces and nephew all married and living in other parts of America. And I love getting text from them. I used to presented. I used to think. Call me I'm on your aunt's call me or don't Facebook don't put something on Facebook for the world to see, including me. I should've gotten a private message.

I am your aim, your autonomy and in like like totally that's where I was. Now I'm grateful for any kind of communication and I've chosen to honor who they are there young. This is their way.

It's not their fault. It's how they it's how they've grown up. I am honored to receive the text and praise God I can text them back and they can text me back and you can have a fabulous conversations I've chosen as an older adult to not expect them to walk toward me. That's arrogant.

I am willing to walk toward them and that's healthy. My daughter was born. My mom bought an iPad boom mean and she wanted to FaceTime that baby and we were our grandparents lived hundreds of miles away.

My my my mama this little book about my devotional grandma shall reap the kids around and it's is off so this is an exciting conversation and do hope that our listeners hear that what we just discussed in the last section, and that is the positive traits of the smart phone and how I can really enhance relationships between parents and children, grandparents and children and interrelationship of that matter. But we also know there's a downside, and there are things available on the smart phone that can be detrimental to a child's development both mentally and spiritually as well. Are there filters that can be use on smart phone like they used to be used on the televisions or desktops or laptops. There are eight different filters and apps that can help you monitor your child's phone but there is no replacement for trust and you know having a teenager live in your home is like having tech-support live inside your house.

There's just me things that they are better at than their parents.

There been no more about it. So it at access what you think of the seven smart phone domains of the first three are purely manual like water are nonnegotiable's what's always wrong to do on the phone like looking at porn or texting or sneaky apps. Then the next to her location and time and these are things that had to be decided as a family like Dr. Cook, mentioned earlier, should you have phones in the bedroom. Should you have phones in the bedroom at night.

Now let's see say no phone better at night then the next question. The question of time how much time and you can measure that as well. In the last four Internet App Store texting and social media. Okay so I just said seven things there complicated and with this very good book curse phone that we have that we can be a part of redeeming it just got a lot of facets to it. So the big apps that you got to know one is if you have an iPhone iOS 12 has a built-in app from Apple called screen time. This allows you as a parent to put bedtimes in your kids phones that limits on time and limits on certain apps. It's incredible and you can control it all from your phone. If you have android; Google family link and again you can control your child's android phone from your phone and these apps came out 2018 but I'm still shocked at how many parents don't know about them so that initially allows you to limit some of the things in them when it comes to actually observing when you get your kid a phone. It doesn't have to have Internet on you can turn it off. You can turn off the App Store. But at some point.

Just like with the car. You don't want to be in the passenger seat. Their entire life you want them to have some independence that they earn from being responsible. So someways the transition that there's something called bark .us. It allows you to monitor what goes on on social media with them and also an apical covenant eyes now again I mention all these point is is like the phone is complicated, it should be thought of like a vehicle like a car.

There's just a lot of rules around it. So what is I was 12 screen time, bark .us, or covenant eyes.

Those are some places that you can start as a parent, so parents listening and hearing this for the first time in their say oh I forgot what he said. They found this out. I would go to axis.org/smart phones and we have a for free video series that will take you through the four essential smart phone conversations Joseph McComb 30 day reboot. I hate to just say that, but again when I got my lunch handed to me as a youth pastor being at my youth groups home and talking to that young lady who said the strip to the parent to sneak you the child I went down to the basement of my church got a giant whiteboard out.

He knows I love whiteboards and I just wrote down what are all the conversations that are material that you could have your kid when it comes the smart phone and there about hundred of them so it's it's an amazing device and again we've come a chronicled that it axis but just from a big level, nonnegotiable's location and time and then Internet App Store texting and social media are all settings inside of phone is the million-dollar question. There's the question. All parents ask at some juncture, at what age should I get mechanical when you say David knows that my answer is they should get a phone when they need a phone that when they want one. So again if you have a son or daughter who babysits and is good to be at someone's home and there's no landline they need a phone but again they don't need Internet and apps and all the phones all the numbers in the world they need a few you.

If your child is running track. Maybe that's on the telephone. There are some families that have a sibling phone have one phone for the three siblings and they signed it out that you know the sun gets it. One night the dog the next morning for whatever activity I also think it and I know David agrees here that's totally important that we look at things like maturity, no not all 14-year-olds are the same.

If you have a 14-year-old who is showing you a lot of respect and is obedient and follows through and his other centered that child is maybe more ready for for a phone that a 14-year-old who, self-centered, belligerent, and doesn't follow through on anything you ask that child doesn't deserve a phone or earn a phone if you well. We should look at things like maturity, their behavior, the level of respect how they treat people yet. What's the attitude I would look at like a spiritual age if I can put it that way before. I would look at a chronological age as a way of determining that along with that idea of need and bend up the anti-the next question is at what age should get micro social media so the two biggest questions we get it axis and again I completely agree. Kathy and I think unfortunately that question is just the wrong question. What a chicken might get a phone because it assumes two things that are false. The first thing assumes they don't have a phone already. Now they may not have their own personal phone, but if they have friends in high school or junior high, their friends will have phones in there just one friend away from a kid saying hey look at this pic on my phone and standing and sticking that pocket rectangle right in front of your son or daughter's face, and so they have to know what to do when their friends put that in front of them and how to choose righteousness and love righteousness. At that point and then the other side what it should make it a phone just because you get your kid a phone they turn 16, or 14 or whatever age you determined doesn't mean they have to get 100% access to it. You can give him a phone that like I said earlier doesn't have Internet doesn't have the App Store.

You can even shut down texting now because of iOS 12 screen time, however you want to give them a pass because this is a get the phone that I want to have an Instagram account but don't want to have a snapshot account ending to say okay like let's work toward you getting Instagram account was gonna take what I need to see from you.

What characteristics do I want and what level of openness do I need to see you show me now that would be the goal on that when you go to get the drivers license. However, most states have a set time in North Carolina at 16. That's assuming that every 16-year-old has the same amount of abilities to drive.

That's probably a false assumption right now to see how is that works for us.

They also have this right of passage that happens that you can't just get a drivers license because you want one meal actually one of the coolest opportunities. Parent is the 50 or 4050 hours of drive time that you get with your kid when they have drivers that mean you're both in the car. There your focus on the road and it's a great place to talk. However, when you get your phone. There's no right of passage involved with it. It's just click here it is in a box.

Good luck.

I have to say yet, it's a good place to have conversations. It's also a great place for dad to be able to scream as a side here you know the thing is, I'm listening to you talk and having kids in this agent and you graduating now into their 20s is the rapid change of technology what you just said about iOS 12 may change next week.

You know it will because everything is being updated and in order to stay up with everything that is happening. You've got to be connected with that and that's the other thing that scares a lot of parents is like I don't know what's going to change with this with within the day and that's why axis exists and the best thing you can do is just talk to your kids about this stuff could still be your best and sidetrack if you have that open conversation is awesome second best thing is to jump on the culture translator axis grammar parent guides and the whole time. Make sure you're using Kathy's resources to tie you back into the heart of the gospel throughout the whole thing but yeah it's intimidating in the culture gap has only gotten whiter but you have to again treated.

Think of yourself as a missionary and think of them as a foreign country and you are curious your kind you are interested you want to learn about their cultural artifacts and it's because they live again. The same ZIP Code, but an entirely different world.

What kids tell me all the time is that if my parents want to talk to me when I'm older they said to talk to you as little as my parents care. Now what I think they should this kid when I was little. So for those of you who are listening who have still younger children praise God that you're here with us today.

Please be alert and fully present to your younger children play with them and walk with them and ride bikes with them and listen to the heartbeat and pray with them at night and be open to what's going on the playground what happened in the homeschool co-op get involved because a lot of kids are said to me you.Kathy, I turned 13 and all of a sudden they care about everything I'm doing.

I turned 13. What did I do overnight to convince them that I'm a bad kid why they interrogated me now. Where were they last year I went to a birthday party a month ago. It was a terrible experience and nobody was available to me.

Then, so I don't I don't say that lightly, but all four of us here really want this relationship to be positive and affirming an influential end and a blessing. And it start the earlier we start but it's never too late. It's never too late. We can apologize and forgive and start over and say hey you're my guinea pig to make another chance.

But if you listen with younger kids got her grandkids start now caring about the deep stuff so that when you're concerned they'll listen to you and if you can model a growth mindset with them when I'm speaking with students at high schools and we talked about the phone there so many times when they say my parents are on their phones all the time why they expected me to live differently and so even if you start to understand more about the phone.

Three say look through thing out.

I need your help trying to grow. I want our families to have again point toward something positive. I want our family have a deeper relationship.

That means that I'm not on email during dinner and you're not keeping your snap streak alive and when you model that growth mindset, the know say, want to come along for the ride, but many situations.

Students are like why my parents probably ruled on me when they're addicted their phone to a you know that you care about kids. You will celebrate them. But what David just said a moment ago. They look to us for the cues we can say to were blue in the face but your phone done. You gotta put in here and you can watch that they're looking at us and what we are doing when we are glued to it as adults. They say you may tell me what to do but boy I see what you're doing exactly and that's a legitimate issue right because there's also integrity and credibility and so let's admit that there is addiction here and there is habit and all of that and you know one of the things that really concerns me about appearance use of the phone really is the same with the child. I parents are wasting so much time and were not able to become who we could have bad so it's not you. Let's let's role model and let's let's have integrity and if we expect them to stop texting during dinner. Then we better not. This is an opportunity. By the way, to teach them the difference between want and need. Maybe you have a need to have your phone on differences. I was at dinner last night was someone and I needed my phone on and with me because I was trying to figure out I'm some transportation issues for today and I said to my friend, I'm so sorry that I need my phone out and on, but this what's going on that's very different from somebody who wants it available because they're afraid of getting the board of a conversation and that I have to escape you know into their device. So parents can teach the need in the wide coin really important. And again, back to this idea that were wasting so much time, whether it's gaming or social media are Pinterest or or or sports website and were losing opportunities to influence and to be relating to our kids, but were also wasting who we might have become if we would've invested more brainpower and something more heart power and something would be safe to say that the smart phone is right in the process of replacing television, smart phone is sort replacing television but television as it is in its own third wave right now with streaming television so now because of Netflix in prime and who we can binge watch. We can watch things whenever we want. And because we have a phone we can carry that TV show with us wherever we go and fill in the interesting commercials by HBO recently was all about how you don't have to watch TV with your parents anymore. How liberating that is now whether that's because you're watching TV on your smart phone your iPad your laptop or on the TV hanging in your room is different but yet this device is been so disruptive to so many industries, but we are as a culture entertainment centered. That's a part of what I hear her to say.cook.

Yes, yes, we want everything to be fine and easy and were afraid of boredom. It's not healthy. That's why kids are so bored so quickly in educational settings in the dropout rate is just frightening both from church and from school, but that's not life happiness is to promise to anyone same parents who actually give their preschool children of phone mainly to keep them occupied. What would you say that I understand why a parent wants to give a young child. The phone it's the pacifier or the security blanket of the day. Parents need to invest in their children and not be lazy. Frankly, I hope that comes across okay don't own that. If that isn't yours to own. I want you to play with your kids and find a different way to engage with them and ask yourself when you handed them the phone or whether you handed them a device to keep them occupied. Is it when you have ignored them and their whining is legitimate.

Are you on your device scrolling social media. I actually have watched mothers nurse their babies while they're scrolling social media with her other hand and I just want to scream at them because I don't because I got mature but I just want to say you know hello you're missing relationship bonding times and and educationally. It's extremely dangerous what we know now about eye development, brain development, literacy development, it is not wise. Children should not at that age be on devices nearly as often, even developmentally appropriate apps where you think your children are learning the colors and the shapes in the letters and the numbers it's not. It's been proven to not be effective. So I want us to regroup and I'm to go back to what I said a minute ago.

Ask yourself when are you doing it and what is causing your child to be demanding and eating that device as I bet there something else you could do that would be healthier for both of you over getting close to the end of our our bulimia ask each of you this question. Advice to parents on how to begin a conversation with your teenager. How do you open up this whole area and how you do it in a positive way.

We need to do it.

I love the question we need to just do it.

We need to stop waiting and do it sometimes talk in the dark because children tell me all the time. Teenagers tell me they don't like licking a dry eyes when it's a serious hard conversation. They know that they've disappointed or scared us so maybe a bedtime maybe in the car where you're SURE to know when to leave and again there's not an eye contact, stress that can be a positive place for conversation apologize if you need to.

If you've allowed things to go too long. I'm saying Emma to be brave tonight. We gotta talk about something you blame it on the radio interview that I've heard some people in the mid to get the podcasts and let your kids listen with you and let us people be the ones that begin the conversation with you. I love you too much to allow to continue. It's nobody's fault. It is what it is but were gonna reboot and working to do this better from now on let's just do it and act like to think of experienced curiosity and kindness. That's one of her friends named Chris Bruneau taught us that. And so to think we are having a conversation with your kid what is the experience like right now is a hostile environment is a relaxed environment. Are they exhausted, sometimes 11 PM at night when you're exhausted when the rated talk and so experience and curiosity just being really interested in their world and then kindness is this idea can you have a nonjudgmental conversation with your kids mean, look, you're the parent you're not there friend, you have certain authority in their life and that's important. However, just are they able to tell you anything and maybe a great way to think about this is were you able to tell your parents anything, and if you weren't why we not able to do that because you want to have that open line of conversation where your interest in their world where they seek out you for advice and where they feel safe enough because they know that you're in their corner that they can tell you anything. Well, this is been a significant conversation sure that the parents who have listened have heard things and heard people speaking into their lives because all the parents and protected those of teenagers are struggling with this whole issue that I think someone for being with us today on the program, but thanks for the resources that both of you have made available to parents and I hope that the parents are listings I can mention that there's a link to your resources or websites, and thanks again for being with us to think you, it's been on as I said, beginning the program. It's timely and practical.

More than that.

We hope it spiritually encourage you as an adult or as a teenager as you listen Dr. Kevin Cook and David joined us to find out more about them.

Go to the website.

Five love languages.com can go to five love languages.com coming up next week. Our summer best of series continues as we get out the toolbox do-it-yourself guide to building a family that lasts that's coming up next week right thanks today to Janice Todd and seen Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman right now, in association with ministry and thanks for listening


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