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Dear Gary February

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
February 26, 2022 1:00 am

Dear Gary February

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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February 26, 2022 1:00 am

It’s time to hear answers to your relational conundrums! On this Building Relationships podcast, hear an encore presentation of a Dear Gary broadcast. What will Gary say to an insecure wife? How will he deal with an angry son or a husband hooked on pornography? And what about a single person who is infatuated? Don’t miss this February Dear Gary podcast!

Featured Resource: The 5 Love Languages® by Dr. Gary Chapman

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Simple ways to strengthen relationships today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Cameraman where we argue a lot about theology really hard time admitting monies from welcome to Building Relationships.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" today dear Gary broadcast February as Dr. Chapman takes questions from listeners about a variety of topics. This is an encore presentation for your listening pleasure.

You go back used to group called program years ago. 100 years that we've done this program with your answers change, it seems to me much on every topic you stay consistent hope so Chris you know if I feel like it's all application change at the same time you know we are all growing in our understanding of Scripture. Scripture certainly is possible that some things that I might've advised 30 years ago different advice. Now you will only ask about that because the thing that immediately came to mind was abuse in marriage. You know what would your answer. 30 years ago have been any different than a nuanced differently today than it would've been three decades ago. Yeah, I think. I think the answer is probably yes Chris.

I think in the early days before I had done a lot of counseling.

I was just, so you know if you're married, it's a covenant you know you need to stay with it and wants us to believe that it is a covenant I believe is designed of God to be a lifelong relationship, but I would never have suggested, I think in those days, separation.

But you know as I dealt with this so much through the years. I think separation can be an act of love. I'm not divorce, but which may end in divorce, but you know if there's physical and emotional abuse that's been extended period of time you talk to you tried to get them to get help they won't get help. Separation of inactive love. It's, like you're saying you know I don't how you feel about us but I I love you too much to sit here and do nothing. As you destroy me and give our children. This model of abuse so therefore I'm going to move in with my mother whatever the plan is I'm not abandoning you I'm willing to go for counseling if if and when you get some help with the problem with ending the joy in your marriage counseling, soaked to me that is a loving approach, which I probably would not have even suggested 30 years ago right and it's interesting because in just a couple weeks we are going to feature a program that the resource that day from Dr. David Clark is enough is enough step-by-step plan to leave an abusive relationship with God's help and so you're going to hear that I'm excited about that conversation that were going to have with Dr. Clark in the future. Gary but I just want to see here in our February dear Gary broadcast. Thank you for being you for being consistent, practical, biblical all through the years. Well, you know Chris, I do believe that ultimately answers to relationships are found in the Bible and when we apply those things then we have the best possibility of having good relationships.

We can't control the other person. We can't make them follow biblical guidelines even God doesn't like people do right, but I think we this is this is the anchor for life is what the Scriptures teach about that was taken back four years ago to a February dear Gary broadcast when we began with a call about a wife who is insecure.

Hi Gary, thanks for taking my call. Like I've been married for years and my wife share to the point where I met her on the computer like coming and looking over my shoulder.

Don and I get upset about this Walkout letter dollar look at the computer I'm done watching a movie or something like that any amount of cleavage showing which is almost impossible to see anything happening, she gets out about that. She doesn't like me talking to other women. Even women old enough to be my mother comfortable tried to affirm to her that I'm committed to our relationship, one man woman and so on. But I not sure if you have any advice for me to help that situation again. Thank you for taking my call. My guess is that there's a record playing in her mind based on experiences she's had in the past that are affecting her present behavior could be wrong, but my guess is that's what's going on either her father was unfaithful to her mother. She was married before she married you and he was unfaithful to her. My guess is she's been deeply hurt deeply disappointed by something that's happened in her life and that record is playing you cannot trust the other person that will not simply go away with the passing of time and if you are irritated with her.

Treat her harshly when she responds. In this way, that's not help either. The only real help will be if she's willing to go for a counselor. Sit down, be honest and open and look at her past and understand our past is impacting her present doesn't have to go on like this. We are we are all influenced by what is happening in our lives. In the past, but it doesn't have to control us in the present, but it takes time and a process to work through that and for her to come to understand and accept that.

So I think the best thing you could do would be encourage her to go with you for counseling and then get personal counseling herself for whatever's there inside of her. That's causing her to respond this way to you is one of the thing. Gary, let me throw this out, see what you think of it, especially when the dynamic is this way. The husband is being affected by something that his wife does or a mindset that she has.

He can take this so personally and respond to it.

You know, negatively, and why are you always saying that got walked out of the room if his wife had been injured. Let's say when she was a child of a bone was shattered in her leg and today she walks with a limp.

He wouldn't look at her and say why you keep limp and why don't you know he would understand. There's a something to happen way back there that's causing her to to walk in the way that she walks and he's not going to accuse her of anything that way. This same thing if you're right if this thing happened in the past and she's still limping emotionally because of it. I think that will give him a better vision of moving into her life and and instead of taking it so personally. Every time it happens to maybe ask some questions into and to help her see more of his own heart toward her. What what you think. I think you're exactly right.

Chris and I like that illustration of the physical because you can see the physical you can understand the connection between the accident and the present lamp you can't see it emotionally. It's players just as real, but you can't see it and if he can see that I think yes he would come to be able to understand her better accept her behavior more and do whatever he can to help her come to learn how to trust yes all right whether there a lot of marriage questions that we had this month that were featuring on the program again. You can find out more about her featured resource. Five love is our website are featured. Resource is "The 5 Love Languages" just get a five love here's another married struggle. I think many listeners will identify with a couple that argues overall a lot of things for a year and not feeling very well leave you a lot about theology and outlaw the and luckily little analyst up and out from under Chapter 11 of the love languages I don't read much if you don't check for and fighting it tooth and nail.


So I need to know a good way to get her to drop the name it claimant religion itself with me on this book and not bullish but want to learn as we are already married Chris many many couples have struggles in the first year of their marriage.

They anticipate conflicts. They never ever thought would arise and it's in the midst of conflicts that they put each other down.

They argue with each other and try to win the argument, failing to understand that if they win the argument, their spouse lost you know who wants to be a loser and what we create losers and I hear that he's trying it always got a copy of "The 5 Love Languages" he's reading.

It is making sense to him. She's beginning to read it. Hopefully it's going to make sense to her even though she's not real happy about doing it sounds like if they can understand that concept that we have different love languages because obviously he doesn't feel love.

My guess is she doesn't feel love and very likely because one of their love languages words of affirmation, and they're not giving each of the words of affirmation to giving each other. Words of condemnation and so neither one of them are feeling left and you can't resolve the conflict very well. If you neither feel love than you both know that you're right, which is also human characteristic. We are always right about theology or anything else.

Our size the right side, I just, I hope, I pray that as they read the book and come to understand the concept of the love languages and then take the quiz and determine what their love languages like and look back on this first year and begin to understand why we got to where we are, obviously he's already read the first chapter which indicates that that in love experience only last for two years and he's already lost in the first year, probably because they dated for a while before they got married and anything come to understand that and that we can choose love and learn the right love languages contains the emotional climate that has to happen for them to make any progress on coming together theologically and they can argue forever about theology and is not all help their marriage and not help their walk with God, for that matter, so I would just pray that they'll both be open to what they're reading and trying to learn and in the book "The 5 Love Languages" .

Every time I hear a caller asked the question how how do I get her to do or how do I get him to. I have this tape playing in my head of you saying you can't change. You can influence, but you can't change that other person. Much better to work on you and and I get it you know if if I had a theological disagreement as big as the one that they have in their marriage meaner that that it be a real concern to me but at the same time I think will let's look at the positives here.

She really does believe in God and that that God is there and cares.

And all they know they have a lot on the that there on the same page as far as theologically that they're different in some ways, but they have a lot to be that he has a lot to be thankful for that.

She really believes that God is out there for her at her and him, so I guess I see some positives here rather than just all negative but think so. They probably have a whole lot more in common theologically and they differ on to go back to your point, he can influence her. By learning her love language and choosing to speak it and God will help them do that. Speak it and begin over period of time he's go see a change in her because right now his response toward her is negative because she disagrees with him on things and so it's not enhancing anything, but if he starts speaking her love language and does it no matter how she responds to them over period of time. She's going to get the message say this guy, this guy really cares about me and when she begins to feel that and she's far more open to changing her own behavior as you said, we don't change our spouse.

But we do influence our spouse, either negatively or positively. And right now my guess is he's influencing her in a negative way will follow-up to that but let's take a quick break. We have more gray questions they had including what spouse can admit that Ron are featured resource today is Dr. Chapman's New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" lab that last find out more at our website. Five love five love dear Gary broadcast is an encore presentation from 28. Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is our dear Gary broadcast the relationship I seen in my gas line at 18644 Gary question read as possible and will try to answer here on the program at 186-6144 Gary featured resource today is "The 5 Love Languages" . This secret to love that last find out more at five love a quick follow-up Gary to what we are taught about the husband and the wife with theological differences. I remember when Dr. Gary Smalley talked about the speaker listener technique and of the drive through person orders and then the person on the inside repeats their order. I wonder if that wouldn't help this couple, since they argue a lot, rather than just getting into that and over round and round and round we go with the argument when she says something about theology or whatever. He just stops and says okay let me let me see if I can understand what you just said you just said and then he repeats that back to her that help in a marriage situation like that, it does help Chris but but you have to have an empathetic attitude to do that we were not were not by nature like that by nature. We just arguing our point, but we understand were both humans were both made in the image of God, and as humans, we do think differently and we feel differently, and if we're ever going to have unity in a marriage.

We have to learn to respect the other person's thoughts, even if we disagree with them and it's that attitude that allows you to listen empathetically and by empathetically.

I mean, you put yourself in their shoes. You try to look at the world through their eyes. You you you have to remember where they ban what they been taught the background they've had and you try to understand what they're saying and how they could see that why they see that and then you affirm them and say I can talk I think I'm understanding what you're saying and I guess I'm seeing your perspective on that. Now here's another question. What you do when one spouse can't admit that they're wrong.

Gary married a wonderful guy and Christian. However, the really hard time admitting money strong that is to so difficult to deal with because it it kind of affects everyday life and it probably a source of a lot of arguments and praying about it. They notice that it is kind of getting me depressed because whenever I try to talk to him about it he won't hear anything about it if I asked him if each wrong it's almost like it's the worst thing in the world to be wrong or seen a marriage counselor and were going on. We can if you could shed a little light on it because it's just bringing me down thank you very much. First of all, I'm glad you're going for counseling weekend enrichment. Hopefully those are going to be helpful to most of the time when a husband or wife for that matter, has difficulty admitting that there wrong, it's because I grew up in a home where their parents seldom ever told them what they did right, but every day they told them what they were doing wrong and somewhere in the psyche of that child and that teenager they began to get the sense if I ever grow up never be wrong again because they felt so condemned everything they did was wrong and and and and they don't like that feeling.

So they decided when I get to be big I'll never be wrong again so they have difficulty this is the kind of thing.

The counselor can help you and him come to understand why he is the way he is even have to stay there. But if you can understand why. Then you will feel better about it and then you can begin to work on changing it.

I wrote a book some time ago, when sorry isn't enough, in which I discussed not only saying I'm sorry and not only saying I'm wrong, but there's three other ways that people typically apologized and those who have difficulty with any of them can learn how to express an apology and in those words, particularly if that apology is meaningful to the other person so I think you'd find some help in that book as well if you got our website. Five love you can see are featured resource today which is "The 5 Love Languages" . The secret to love that lasts and go to five love Gary our next caller wanted to remain anonymous so let me read his question. Thanks Gary for your podcast.

It's really encouraging. I read about the neurology of infatuation and the way that it's kind of like a time bomb and lasts a particular time in each person. I found myself in this place with my girlfriend. We been together almost 8 months and she's godly and encouraging and everything. I feel I need in this relationship, but I'm definitely infatuated with her in that place. I want to be well prepared for the day when that infatuation wears off. But I also don't want to be afraid or paranoid about it. Would you help me understand how to do that well and how to trust the Lord with this stage in life how to glorify him in that. Thanks Gary a synonym for infatuation is falling in love are being in love. Sometimes people have different meanings for those words but essentially it's the same emotional experience you really are pushed along by the strong emotional feelings toward that person and in this, this person has indicated that very clearly. He's very much attracted to this person. The average lifespan of that experience that we call falling in love are being infatuated with another person is two years so he's been in it for eight months. He knows it's coming and he's asking how much can I handle it when it comes well very fact that you know it is positive and you know that it's not abnormal to come down off that high because when I was in the early days of my marriage I did know why told me that I thought if you if you found the right person and if you're really in love.

It was gonna last forever, and when I came down off the high I was greatly disappointed and greatly frustrated. So the fact that you already know that this is going to happen is a plus. I would say this is where understanding "The 5 Love Languages" that what makes one person feel love doesn't make another person feel of this is after you come down off the high but if you can learn each other's love language now while you're still in love with each other. You still have the strong feelings. And you began speaking each other's love language when you do, down off the high you will see it. First of always being normal and you will you already know how to communicate love to each other you be doing it already, you continue that and really you hardly miss the high because you still feel emotionally loved by each other that the key is is getting that concept down and learning how to speak each other's love language so you're the good place really eight months of the relationship to be learning that and learning how to speak each other's love language as the say I want to stand and applaud and command it. He's got both eyes wide open. She's probably does as well just to be able to ask these questions rather than all she so wonderful she's always going to be the most what you yet what is to get to that point right now gives others a lot of hope. How absolutely. He's very insightful already and and obviously he wants to please God and if you really want to please God. God has a way of bringing to you the information you need that will help you do that because he wants it more than you do, that's not Gary Chapman. This is Building Relationships and our broadcast that comes to you each weekend right here.

Sign up for the podcast as our caller just mentioned he really appreciates that. And you might as well if you miss a program you can hear the podcast now would you label your marriage is hopeless.

If you do you have something in common with our next caller I Gary I don't know where to start my life separation and every weekend she spent the entire weekend with her longtime friend before she met me with him to talk about us for doing anything if I'm really asking for some prayer delaying the letter to go elected.

Peptide heard about the book one more chance number Thanks much for Gary.

But I didn't really love, but I enjoyed it. Like I don't know how to apply anything in my current situation. I'm still married, but the I have no idea where anything is going well for many of our listeners will then apply with this caller because there are many marriages that are at that place where the husband or the wife is saying to the other. I'm through the many reasons for that things once things have happened to get them to that place, but they're saying I'm through, and they're not one that will read a book that will go for counseling that will do anything and in this case there actually seeing someone else on the weekends.

The former apparently a former boyfriend I would save all my books, the one he has balding is reading is the most helpful.

It's called one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart. It does deal with this situation and again I'm saying you can't force them to come back. You can't force them to change their mind with the way you respond to them in this time does influence them either pushes them further away or begins. That opened the door to the possibility of reconciliation so I would say ask God to show you how you can express love to her even though she's not loving you. This is precisely what God does for us. The Bible says he loved us before we loved him and he loved us when we were still sinners, so it's unconditional love and whatever contact you have with her. It sounds like. In this case you still living in the house she's just going on the weekends with someone else. Obviously from the human perspective doesn't look like a lot of hope here but you never know what God will do in her heart. If cc you living in a positive way in reaching out to her and left.

Whatever she complained about to you. Those are the things you need to really be asking God to help you change how she may not come back. Even if you change them, but she certainly won't come back if you don't change them. Let her complaints tell you what you need to be working on during this time and if you do that you gotta be growing as a person, so that even if she doesn't come back you going to be a better person because you begin to deal with some of the things that have led her to the place where she says we are through work on this anymore except work on yourself.

Use this as a time to grow in under self understanding and changing the things that God brings your mind that need to be changed in your own life. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. I've featured resource today is "The 5 Love Languages" . The secret to love that last.

You can find out more and take an assessment of your love language at our website. Five love to find our podcast see where Gary is coming to your area for seminar and a whole lot more. All five love question from a mom about her adult angry son is coming up straight ahead on the ring is Building Relationships. Gary Chapman online@ we have some great resources for you a list of seminar locations coming up. Dr. Year podcast of the program and find out about our featured resource all five love and tell a friend about program. I think this is an excellent way to reach out to those who may differ from you about a lot of most people really want to deepen their relationship to Nan or download podcast five love featured resource today is five love languages secret to love that lasts five love is a website and if you'd like to ask questions of Dr. Chapman caller number 866424 Gary 186-6424 Gary now a mom with a big struggle regarding her adult son so sick I got him to take a nap, I take, don't you want help with all the hostility toward I'm still trying to help patients. Great, just what I changed my sense, just that I just can't expect any others love languages and I've tried them all work well. My heart goes out to this mother.

When you do everything you can for your children, and even in adulthood. She still giving, giving, giving, and yet receiving the respect and love from him is very painful. I think what she's doing is probably the best thing for her at the moment and that is put some distance between the two of them just for her own emotional survival. There is a reason why he's angry.

She says he's always been angry to some degree anger grows out of the sense that I have been wronged.

I have been treated unfairly, not necessarily by the mother, but just my life. I don't know what all he's been through, but the fact that he said his wife also has mental and emotional problems. At least that's what his mother is saying. My guess is that there's a history of things were. He is been disappointed. He's been left out. He's felt like the world is not treating them right if he has a God concept that God is not treating them right and so that anger is built up inside of him and it comes out toward his mother probably told anyone else with whom he has contact and that doesn't just go away as you get older.

He's 55 already, it has to be dealt with. Someone has to help you look back and understand where that anger is coming from and why you've been angry but also help you understand that your response to your anger is not helping you as a person because when you lash out at the people that are trying to help you. You're making things worse.

In this case, if the mother just totally walks away and has nothing to do with him in the future. Is he going to be on the street but you see when you're angry you can't you can't clearly see all of that. Don't know that he would go for counseling and that's what he needs. Perhaps the mother could at least offer if he wants to go for counseling. She would pay for the counseling that would be a good investment of her money rather than just giving him money to invest it in something that might have some hope for him whether or not he would do that.

I have no idea. It would certainly be a loving offer for the mother to make that such a hard situation between a mom and adult son and there's a whole lot there that we don't know. I have some follow-up questions I want to move. Go to a different question that is even more difficult. If you can believe that we have another anonymous caller who asked that we not use her voice on the radio so I would let Andrea read this. What I think is a really important question hi Gary in the past I've been hit in the face four times in 10 years and once we got into an argument he pushed on the back of the bathroom door.

I fell backwards into the tab. I had told him before that if anything happened again I would call the police.

I had him arrested four years ago he got into an argument and fight with our son.

One night my son spoke up, called him a jerk and my son pushed him. My son has some learning disabilities.

He was upset that his dad would listen.

My husband slapped him and grabbed him around the neck.

I sense that he would call the police and my husband said he would not go to jail again. He will not admit fault. He said it was an accident that I fell in the time what do I do with these things. Thank you Gary well. Physical abuse of a nature that this caller describes cannot be accepted because if it's happened as many times as she indicated both to her and of the son, it's not going to change in the future that Kenny change yes if he went for counseling if he got seriously if they really begin to deal with the issues, but chances are he won't do that. My advice to her is for your own safety and for the safety of your son and I believe in marriage. I believe in reconciliation, but I don't believe it's healthy to stay there and let someone physically abusing due to the nature that you do in the nature you describe.

That's not good for him.

It's not good for you. It doesn't bring glory to God. So if you take a tough love approach and you say to him, you know, in the light of all that you've done to me through the years and now doing to our son. I cannot stay here. I'm not helping you by staying here. I'm going to move in with my mother.

I'm going to do whatever you may need a counselor to help you have the courage and the timing on how to do this but tough love is the only kind of log. Your husband is going to respond to because you've already talked with him you already confronted but he doesn't change until he's about to lose something so for you to take tough love and remember tough love is love.

It's saying I love you too much to sit here and do nothing. I'm going to do this, hoping that you will get help and we can get help, but I'm I'm not helping you by staying here. I'm loving you more by removing myself from the situation.

That's my advice. As I said you probably will not have the emotional ability to do that.

Maybe not even the financial ability to do that without talking with someone a pastoral counselor, someone who can help you on how to do that and when to do that because what's happening is your son is very likely developing the same lifestyle.

The father has and you don't want that, above all things you don't want that. If you can get him out of there now and get him a different situation. It may be his salvation as well and we've talk with couples who've gone through this and you know sometimes there is a miraculous turnaround and the spouse. It can be husband or wife. By the way, it's not just always the husband that abuses physically. Sometimes it's the wife but II think as we talked about here before many times it is, is the husband. It almost sounds like to me that a face-to-face conversation when she moves out might not even be helpful. It might be you leave a note after you've gone you know after you've planned this with some people who are going to support you so that you don't have this confrontation where he gets another chance to take more action physically. I think that's true Chris and you know in most cities release larger cities. There are shelters for battered women and I would encourage her to see what might be available as to where she and her son could go in making this statement, you're right. Doing it and leaving and that might be the better approach.

That's what I was suggesting a counselor could help you win and how to do this is really upsetting Gary because I was reading the book loving your spouse when you feel like walking away real help for desperate hearts in difficult marriages positive steps for improving a difficult marriage it just as I was reading through it.

You know you go to the. The workaholic spouse and the controlling spouse and the one that is the Dead Sea, the uncommunicative, you know won't talk to you and then you get into these deep areas of being verbally abusive and physically abusive and sexually abusive. When you do with an unfaithful spouse.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman are featured resource Dana five love languages.

Find out more. Five love again. Five.

Love language is coming up dealing with marriage disappointment straight on the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" are featured resource today is the foundational book. Five love languages. Love that last find out more at five love is your marriage disappointment if it is what you do is an Expo and make him happy, be different, godly man truly loved the leader in a Bible study could be different flat and appointment shortly after we were married I began to listen, angry man and angry little things like traffic, marketer, when I said something he didn't write you what he said right away and all things in life and I'm disciplinarian for the first 25 years of our marriage until he finally began to try much harder times when he gets impatient and angry over what seemed like insignificant things. Men seem to be predisposed anger like my father and wait for the wife to deal with this without further enabling him good questions and coming from a life is been married 25 years or more now while I'm empathetic with the fact that he is a believer in Christ. The fact that she said after 25 years. She saw him trying harder not to not to get angry but the fact that he does still get angry over little things. There is a history behind that very, very likely, his father was also an angry man. You know, we are greatly influenced by her parents after young man grows up in a home where his father is angry about everything.

He may as it is a young teenager say I don't want to be like that, but in reality we are influenced and when we get grown we often follow the same patterns of abusive father. I don't know if you know anything about his father and whether that's true of him or what is not true of him. I wrote a book some time ago simply entitled anger taming a powerful emotion if he is in the mental, spiritual framework, where he is looking for help and it sounds like he might be because the caller said he's trying to the city since him, trying I think that book could be very very helpful to him because it talks about two kinds of anger what I call definitive anger when you have been wronged by someone and you should be angry because anger motivates you to try to write the wrong and distorted anger where we get angry over because things didn't go our way and that's the kind of thing she's describing when she says little things, traffic jams, and those kind of things and we handle those very very differently because one grows out of real wrong. The other grows out of selfishness where we want the world to operate on our timetable and everybody knew what we want them to do. I think it be insightful for him and maybe even the two of you to to work through that book together and asked what can we learn about anger and anger management.

Many people said that book is been extremely helpful to them. The other thing of course, would be yes to see a counselor I don't know if you be open to that, but simply trying harder is not the complete answer.

He needs to understand what's behind what he does and then he needs to ask God to give him the power to change a very destructive pattern that he is allowed to continue in his life there is hope in the fact that he is apparently a strong Christian. He has a desire to change the those are the two major things. Now we just need to get into the right help and so a book can help a counselor can help and then certainly God can help break that pattern that's Dr. Gary Chapman.

You can find out more about him and are featured resource today.

"The 5 Love Languages" , at five love five love why a lot of deep questions here. Gary and real struggles that people are going through in marriage and their families. I have one more for you and I want you to hear this from a man who is exasperated as well for different reason. I think I got to keep giving you and giving because it's always a Christian thing to do were made were never followed through with people about repayment doing or saying well you know your back. You just keep giving. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't how to approach these people about it and it said no. I'm just you have to get a job and earn the stuff I can't just keep giving you enough for yourself.I like building people that you know throw the word in my face but they don't even know the word they don't know the Lord and I just keep thinking I have to I have to keep helping them because it's the Christian thing that I don't. I'm not a Christian. Thank you very much end up, blessed day.

First and second Thessalonians chapter.

Paul said if a man will not work, neither shall he eat. It's a principle of responsibility that assumes a person is able to work and assumes a person can get work okay we give to people who are willing to work and who cannot get a job, but we do not continue to give to people who will not work because we are simply helping them establish a pattern that's nonbiblical. Remember in Genesis, the first thing God said to the man and then the woman is, he gave him work, here's your job, here's what you to be doing work is not a curse. Work is a blessing of God. All of us should be working women who stay at home and keep children are don't don't hear me saying everybody has a paying job that we all should be involved in work so one of the approaches I've taken with people like that is to say to them, I'm willing to give you enough money to for food. But if you can't get a job, then you go volunteer at the hospital at the rescue mission at the soup kitchen you go volunteer you are working even though you're not getting paid for. If they're not willing to do that to exert energy to go work as a volunteer somewhere that a site I'm sorry that I can't give you more money because simply giving giving giving to people who are not taking responsibility for themselves just helps them establish that as a way of life and they will not change until the rug is pulled out from under them. So I'm very empathetic with what you're saying and as a Christian. It doesn't mean that we just give give give to everyone we try to give in a responsible way way that will help people take responsibility for themselves so we can help them through a transition when they can't get work that's fine, but when they won't work and even won't go volunteer we're doing them a disservice when we give them money and what he was talking about with them throwing up while you're not a Christian. If you don't manipulative thing is yeah because they found out that if they say that then his heart is moved to near as he wants to be a good Christian sect that he gives the Esso people.

People will say whatever they need to cite to get what they want and if it works.

One time, then they'll they'll use it again before we conclude today. Let me give you her number where you can leave a question for Dr. Chapman or maybe respond to something we talked about today you can make a comment at 866424 Gary attire list 186-6424 Gary would love to hear from you. And don't forget to check out our featured resource. "The 5 Love Languages" .

The secret to love that lasts. I know it will encourage you all@ We hope you've enjoyed this encore presentation of our February dear Gary broadcast 28 member, you can ask questions. Gary call us at 186-6424 Gary leave your message today. 6624 Gary check out our featured resource to five love languages. The secret to love that lasts the website. Five love next week leadership conversation with Roger. Should seize opportunities rather than making plan to follow the conversation. A big thank you to our production team Steve Weick and Janice Todd. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a protection of movie radio in Chicago in association with the publisher's ministry of Bible

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