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Real Life Love

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
March 21, 2020 8:03 am

Real Life Love

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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March 21, 2020 8:03 am

​He's the grandson of a world-famous marriage expert, and you'll hear him on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Author and speaker, Michael Gibson, will talk about lessons learned from his grandfather, Dr. Gary Smalley. His message is for singles and others struggling to let go of the fairytale and find "real life love." Don't miss the encouragement on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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People are interconnected like never before that many feel their relationships are shallow and unfulfilling. Can you find real love that person may have you crumple your germs review.

Here and there, but they still hold her credible work value that you want to know the stats for loving relationships truly begin to grow for me and welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller the bloodline.

Today we learn how to say by the fairytale and hello real relationship author and Emmy award winner Michael Gibson will join us please.

The author of our featured resource of five love languages.com real life love and here's an interesting fact. Michael is the grandson of a fellow you will Leroy Chris you have a lot of good times you told was their number of years ago and then we had that we had tears falling at our church. Some years ago I remember was a fraud and I will speak on Saturday and I was going to come out to a really nice restaurant and we were driving down the road and he sees this cafeteria and he's all that. That's what I like to go coach Rod like to go really.

You can look and see what I'm going to get before getting Gary Rhodes really want to go. That's where we'll go. That's got a guy was really down-to-earth, really practical deep love for the Scriptures are member strongly emphasized memorizing scriptures, you know, just a great guy and I'm really glad to have Michael his grandson with us today.

You know that's the story that I think of when I think Gary Smalley because he would come on Andrea's program and talk about marriage in this speaker listener technique and all that. And the thing that I recall from him was when Andrea would ask him so you know what it give me an example of this mistake that you make in marriage, and Gary would always he wouldn't go back 10 or 15 or 50 years. He goaded you know that morning.

This morning I woke he was just so he understood his fallibility, and I think that's one of the reasons why people really listen to him because he was so open and honest don't you think they think you're exactly right Chris. There was nope no pretense to him very open and honest about his own journey in his own struggles and people do identify with that. You know, if you act like you got it all together and you know everything. You never had any problems in upright people find it unbelievable but Gary was very believable he was. And we get to talk with Michael Gibson today grandson he's an Emmy award-winning television personality, author and communicator in touch with the issues facing the younger generation's blog and podcast helped thousands of millennial's and Jen's ears learn how to develop relationships that count as grandson of Dr. small is we just mention Michael uses his knowledge and experience from speaking alongside his grandpa at conferences as well as his experience growing up as the son of marriage, pastors, lives in the Ozark Mountains of Missouri and are featured resource is his book real life love you can find out more. Five love languages.com Michael, welcome to Building Relationships. Thank you so much Gary. It is such a pleasure to be able to be with you and you know it's so fine with you guys reminisce about my grandfather because it is.

I know you guys at shared a special relationship and and so this is such a special full circle moment for me, now wearing a Christmas messenger, grandfather, and course both of us have known him through the years and so start there.

Tell us something about your relationship and some of the things you saw in him that you remember yeah well yeah he was such an incredible person and you know he I will. I loved about my grandfather is that he just had this incredible unique, almost natural ability to be able to love people wholeheartedly and no matter if it was you know letting his kids are my grandmother or his grandkids or you know, it's friends or even somebody just met for five minutes now.

He always made somebody feel warm and and well content and so he just that's the kind of guy he was in and he was such a huge figure in my life and and you know I like to say that that my grandpa really gave me everything because he he showed me how to be a man of God first and foremost, but also how to be a man of God and loving people and and that's the legacy I think that is most important to me and that I most treasure about my grandfather they were taking facing. Oh yeah. Before we start talking about this and I wanted to say I was on a fishing trip in Montana and I know that we joked about this over the years, but I was little in the mountains of Montana. Totally I'm completely off the grid, no cell phone reception and I was vacationing there with some friends and we were just on this dock fishing in the middle of Montana in the middle of nowhere and somebody said hey want to hold up your book and take a picture inside dead and there was somebody else on the dock and they came over and said what your book about and so they took it and they saw the name they sent all my goodness this is Gary Smalley sure grandfather. I said yes and he said all his books to change my life and I said that's not what your favorite book that you read my grandpa is without a doubt "The 5 Love Languages" is Gary my life. I've asked pretty #more copies of "The 5 Love Languages" I have I got so you must story once a Michael that's was talking to your grandfather and I said you know Gary acid in the early days when I was speaking people came up to me for an autograph, and it would be one of your books and I would say that I am not Gary Smalley and Gary Chapman and they be embarrassed. You know, and I said well I don't say that anymore. Gary is about his son, Gary Smalley said you haven't son nearly as many of the of my books as I have signed a five love, but if I got confused with someone I don't know what I'd rather be confuse that with your grandfather Gary Smalley. So is this the great man so in a sense you're picking up the mantle that he passed down to your parents and the now to your generation right yeah that's right, you know, I grew up. One thing that I was really appreciate about my my grandfather and this extra piece of advice I love to get to other people who are in ministry.

I maybe there pastors or maybe to office themselves and they always answered say how can I get my kids involved in what I'm doing. I can get my grandkids excited about my legacy and I just can't just throw them in the deep and just let them be a part of what you're doing and so I one of things. My grandpa always to do is that you could bring me along the speaking trips and that he would asked me to come up on stage and he asked me to share something that I learned that we are that we are learning together. OP was on television he would allow me to go sit next to him on the interviews in and of itself. Every single time I would I would be one of the situations I would always have somebody call to me and they would say you do know that you're curing on your you're going to step in your grandfather's shoes right and I always thought that was such a cool thing and let you know as I got older, you know, I started dabbling in broadcasting on television and self flattery that was owed to people. Well, you know, that's great. But now the Lord has me on my own path and and on but you know the Lord really captured my heart after I graduated from college and he really showed me what my calling was in and I became extremely aware Gary of how millennial's and on 26 years old.

I'm a quintessential millennial and. And I realized for the very first time that my peers really didn't have any idea what a healthy relationship look like and I remember I would I be sitting in my dorm room and again I hear a knock at the door and 70 would come on and you know why my formats or something and they would set themselves down, and that it would start telling me about some conflict that they're having with their girlfriend or maybe with the parent back home and they would sit back and it's a hate state what was eager grandpa that famous relationship.

After listening Gary something is very small yeah yeah yeah it's that we think your grandpa would tell me the situation and so I which I would I would literally sit there and I would just share some of the things I remember my grandfather telling me personal interactions together and it was amazing to see their eyes light up and they were back in their chair.

They take man, I've never heard it like that before. So the more more have these conversations, the more my realized that people need to hear the wisdom of Gary Smalley. People need millennial's need to hear relational wisdom and especially relational wisdom. You know from the Bible and so that was what my grandfather you know champion during his life here on earth. And so that's I really like my purposes and is such an honor to build a carry on. That's great if you pick one word to describe your grandfather, Gary Smalley, what would it be. I wish I could have so many words man, but you get relating to this earlier, but I think one of the words I would use to describe him is authentic. He was such an incredible authentic person and and yet here he was so transparent sometimes maybe even a little too transparent. I think he made my grandmother and a little uncomfortable from time to time to get such this incredible ability to be able to see exactly the person on stage as he was at home and so that's I love telling people is the grandfather that would take me to school. Sometimes in the mornings and in the grandfather that was sitting around our family dinners was literally the same man that you would read about in this book send you here about his and his conferences again.

The first person tell you he wasn't perfect and I believe me, might you my grandma's name is Norma and Gary and Norma Smalley definitely got into a few arguments in their day and I got to witness those specs with one of the things Gary that my grandfather always said was that you know you said the reason why I'm able to write books and speak on relationships because I failed 60 million times my relationship and so he that's really how I made really what he build his ministry on what was taking his failures in the will learn from them and and really honing in on what the Lord wanted him to learn in these situations than helping other people that maybe might have the same issue of our listeners heard what you just said if I have a sense of soil haven't done well and I listen. Everybody's been there use those things.

But God use them to my gear and then to help other couples you mentioned your grandmother, Norma. I'm assuming she probably also had an influence on your life as well.

Right will absolutely let you know my grandfather used to say that he was the dreamer and my grandmother was the dream maker and a lot of the things about the books that people can read my grandfather and those video series that got to do all this conferences. There was a quiet strength behind each and every single one of those and her name was Norma Smalley and yeah she was really the one that championed a lot of these things behind the scenes I'm she led my grandfather's staff for over 30 years in their ministry, and you know, even still today. She is such a powerful figure in my life and we talk every single day.

She loved the text and she's on Facebook and you know she always she never ceases to to miss an opportunity to point me in my relatives to the cross.

And you know she's such a safe person you can really take anything and everything you're dealing with and she always has this remarkable wisdom and and so I love that I so good to have my grandmother here on this earth, because you know she is she such a wise and she just such a quiet strength. Persecution is extremely shy and so a lot of people don't really know about my grandmother and I wish he was more open because I think people really fall love it there if they got the chance to know her, but she is that she such an incredible lady in and out. By the way she wanted me to tell you hello. She was all excited Michael, you mentioned that your grandfather ask you once is you and I quote this if you were ready to learn to love for real. What was the most profound thing he taught you about love. After he started mentoring you yet what one of the things that he really instilled in me was actually something that I found after I had started take it seriously. After I graduated from college and you know Gary found myself in a place writing. A lot of people find themselves is, I found myself after I graduate you know to some kind of level of arrogance that I was so excited to gradually know my friends were thinking and you know it is scary to be in the adult world him to find a job so excited like because I had an Emmy award in my hand for a show they'd ousted and so I knew that I was going to get a job somewhere and end. What's funny is is Jan for several months of sending on my resume. I couldn't get I can get a job and I thought to myself man what what is the deal here and and so II found myself in a place where I maybe even something means a little bit of depression and it started to feel some anxiety and it was really the first time I've ever really looked at my life and thought to myself, and what what my doing here and because he I didn't have a job and all in. This is a little embarrassing for me to admit, but I also didn't really have the best relationship with my parents to meet with her was never a place for we were not speaking or anything like that but but you know we we just things weren't really as bad as good as I wanted them to be outside and have very many friends and so what what should I do and you know I know if you've been like this Gary but I read a passage of Scripture that I've read a million times and it for the very first time it meant something to me in a whole new way.

When I read in the season of my life and as it comes out of Matthew 22 and it it's when Jesus gives us the greatest commandment. And he said you you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and but then he said something else. He also says you shall love your neighbor as you love yourself so you really because as a commissioned to to to do two things. There was first to have a incredible loving beautiful relationship with God the father but also to build healthy relationships of the people around us so that I said you know I have some training on that and so member that was the very first time I ever really began to sink deeply into my grandfather's teachings. I started reading his books. I thought my grandpa really did know what he was. Thanks and and so one of things that really stood out to me was this word honor and that was really where I noticed that my life truly began to change my really began to focus on honoring people in my life and my grandfather used to say that all honor is as just recognizing the value that people have in our life and them into what one of the things I used to love he would do if your son do this Gary, but he would usually take out $100 bill or something and he was stand on stage and say, does anybody want this on a dollar bill and he would ask people to raise their hands course everybody raised her hand and he would crumple it in his hand a little bed and say all that up and it states they still want this hundred dollar bill and everyone stories in her hands and throw it on the ground and you know he would stamped his foot on it and that he piggyback up and he would say woman times. Anybody want this hundred dollar bill every single hand was still being raised. Why because the hundred dollar bill still held its value. No matter how it looked and felt. I remember looking at the people in my life thinking you know that person may have a few crumples a few germs maybe a few tears here and there, but they still hold their incredible worth an incredible value that Jesus puts everything at everything one of us. And so I first began to recognize that I noticed that's for loving relationships truly began to grow for me in an itching meeting for me that's powerful and so true.

Well, I like the subtitle of the book subtitle is saying goodbye to the fairytale and hello to true relationships. What fairytales are people buying into the studies that you observe.

You know I never type that with that subtitle I just finished up two younger sisters and they love watching Disney movies and little Disney cartoons and ever we watch one of those together and I'm arrived, thinking every single one of these fairytale stories always have, you know, Prince charming and a princess and they meet each other and have maybe a little bit of distress but then you know suddenly they get married the next day I got you know that's that's not probably not the best example of how that really works in the real life. But my conversation with people in and through my conversations with Stella millennial's and ends with their hearing about some of the relationship issues and one of the things that that I found is is, the biggest fairytale is people seem to be chasing this idea of happiness they are chasing the idea of all I want to be is happy and end it really what they try in the entrance of stillness this happy factor with the people in their life and so they think themselves want to get married because marriage make me happy and I will have kids because maybe kids make me happy. I want to have that friend will have that job.

I want to be in that crowd because it's going to make me happy and and really I think that people are chasing this these happy relationships without really being willing to put the work into these relations that takes to truly have a healthy relationship and and so that's been the biggest fairytale as is with me to overcome that happy factor and it really means looking on the inside first and in being able to work on yourself first and then being able to then branch out and and being able to love others and you know that's not just an overnight type thing is Walt Disney World fairytale type thing where just comes true.

One day it's it's a conscious effort every single day to choose love every single thing I grandpa said that love is a decision is a decision that we have to make every single day. So true that this is really a byproduct loving people right that's right that's right you like. Unfortunately, divorce has been an issue in our society for a number of years now. Talk about divorce and what you see happening in marriages today. What's going on, leading to so much divorce.

Now you know I've had a lot of stations with millennial dimensions years and and you know our parents generation carries 60% divorce rate 50% and every single time I hear that it breaks my heart because while we say that 60% of marriages end. That also means that that 60% of families are broken and that leaves a lot of kids and in a lot of pain and end of them, but I'm sad to say this but the majority of my friends Gary come from a broken home.

Their parents have been divorced and not just a talking on the phone yesterday with the gentleman who was bringing my attention that he said you know, he said, counting marriage is really a big deal anymore as to what you mean by that. He said well you said and I was just a wedding the other day and we were all laughing and joking. I wondering how long this marriage is gonna last. And you know I was just watching a television show, the other the other day Gary where they were joking around and in this certain character in this show was getting married and they solicited a workout and she sought to help us get a divorce and I thought now this is this is such a problematic thing in our in our society and in which crazy Gary's it's getting more and more getting more more prevalent because what we have now is this just if we're talking about. We have millennial's are chasing this happy factor because they see on social media which is such it. You can be such a huge arrow that that points to some of these things is that because social media you know everyone loves to project their their best selves on on social media and so jabs you have a whole generation of people that come from broken families that are looking for this happy factor and they get into relationships they get into a marriage and then suddenly there realizing that it doesn't make them happy and and so they they usually in the marriages even before even before the first year and I actually just read a statistic the other day that said one and two millennial marriages are ending in divorce, and so this is such a huge issue and but what we do something Gary that I really think that needs to happen and and what I'd love to see happen is is I think that I think the church is such a great job of of resourcing what it means to have healthy relationships but also think that that is a lot of unanswered questions from a lot of people that that need to be answered in and so I think that the fact the ravens conversation.

I think more people need to be having this conversation of yes divorce is a problem in and yes this is something a lot of people go through but it doesn't mean that that's the end of the road for you that there there is hope and I and all it takes is is just a simple perspective changed and looking at a principal like honor, or maybe overcoming some anger in your life or forgiveness sent and it's really taking a conscious effort to work hard and choosing love every single day like always you know your generation is actually waiting longer to get married if they do get married, do you think it's because of the fear of divorce are you know the fractured relationships that they saying and I don't want to experience that all absolutely my generation is terrified enter into a marriage relationship because they seeing all the pain that it's caused and sell what they end up doing is is the end of the you know they at the end of choosing just to just to cohabitate her or they choose.

You know, just to choose a single life for themselves forever and and so I think that there is such a fear of rejection, and I think that word fear. Actually, I think that it runs rampant in our society, especially with young people today, and Gary, if I'm being clearly honest, I felt that before because I've heard so many stories from you know my family over 50 years of being in an helping marriages and you know I've literally heard it all and so but I think there comes to this point in our life where we have to choose to to welcome the Lord into our relationships and and you know I think that's the thing that I think people miss the mark on a lot is you know the Lord created us to have healthy relationships and so if it that's were just talking about in a commission that he gives is that Jesus gave us in the book of Matthew and and so II think that when people are able to welcome the Lord into their relation maybe for the first time, that's when two people really begin to see the difference in that's for some of that fear begins to disappear as the heart provides a different perspective on life and Mary's and then everything sets let let's talk about anger in relationship something that's a misunderstood emotion that can cause a whole lot of conflict in the relationship. Give us your perspective on anger and how to handle it. Yeah, I went through a journey of having to deal with anger actually in high school you know I was that she bullied in high school and I went through a lot of a lot of pain there in and what I found was was that without really doing what I meant. What I'm about to talk about, which is that which is the antidote anger I really found his anger began to seep down into my heart and it is very important understand for those for those of you listening that it's okay to get angry nor angry.

It is an emotion that that that God created us to have God created that emotion. But God didn't create us to hold onto that emotion and in so that's where I really see a lot of people in trouble including myself is when you hold onto anger when you allow that to seep into your heart because you know anger is the greatest killer relationship since my grandfather used to say. And you anger is sometimes the root of some of these emotions that we face like depression and anxiety and in fear. We're just talking about and so anger has this unique ability to come asleep in all areas of our life including our relationships and I'll never forget. I was a senior in high school and I can't gone through a lot and and you know my grandfather's.

It was such a wise counselor and if you could see this in me and it's on the forget he told me sit hazy. He said want to give you an article that was given to me a long time ago and you know Gary, a lot of people don't know this, but my grandfather actually went through a period of anger himself, you know, if that's his and his ministry was. I was over before it started because of anger. He was working for this individual.

And he totally admired.

Always dreamed about working for the sky and anything finally started working for him and in the sky actually gave him his first start in and put them on stage and end up and really began to take him under his wing and about my grandfather caught this individual doing some things that my grandfather did agree with and my grandpa called them on it and he actually ended up firing my grandfather. And so, which was such a painful thing for him to go through and so he ended up moving to Waco, Texas and and ended up being associate pastor at the small church and you're sitting in his office one day and this gentleman knocked on the door and came into the right the middle of the church building campaign. So my grandfather was super busy and that he said hey he said I have a relative that's coming into town that I am spoken to in years and I really feel like the Lord's wanting to forgive this person, but I really don't know how I found this article and hoping you'd read it and help me do it because I'm sure you're an expert in this. My grandfather smiled in and say well and and so you know reading this article and it changed his life and talking on the book but really in a nutshell of the article encourages is is to set three chairs, one for you, one for Jesus and one for the person who has offended you, and it's really going on this beautiful journey of being able to share some of those feelings and and really moving towards powerful word in which such a gift from God and its antidote to removing anger from our life, which is forgiveness is on the forget Gary, that was a senior in high school. My grandfather, notices to me and he gave me this article, we end up doing the exercise together and I remember after wheat we did this, you know what I thought I was a silly exercise. Grandpa submitted did this and nothing is happening is that you will, it will in time and under. Forget a few weeks later I was truly free and for the very first time I ever felt like what the Lords liked it like a million pounds lifted off of me and and first time and I felt love start enter back into my life and into my heart, and after treating my family with respect again and and it's archery my friends with respect again.

Everybody in my life and and so that's when I loving all the help people see today is that no matter what you're going through no matter what pain that you may be experiencing your life. This gift of forgiveness can help us move forward in a completely new place and an insult. That's that for me anger is not the end of the road you know with with forgiveness, we can move truly into into healthy, even maybe happy relationships before the boy grew talk about forgiveness and releasing those people who've heard us in the past rather than holding it inside and letting it turn to bitterness and so forth. But what about the person they're not anger themselves, but there in a relationship with someone who has an anger problem.

I've never learn how to handle and process anger.

Maybe it's a dating relationship. Maybe it's a marriage relationship or just a friendship.

Oh what what can we do to help the other person who obviously is mismanaging their anger. Yeah, I mean so many people Gary when I'm speaking nor we know when meeting readers and in the CMI glial I love what you're saying about anger but I'm not angry person but I'm with somebody was incredibly angry. What I do and one of the things that I let I experienced in my own journey. Is this something very important that I need to mention it with me learning to come to forgiveness and draining. This anger is is my father and my dad never wavered in walking with me side-by-side. Through this, and yet he saw the sun was angry, but what I learned about my dad is that he never had this like this you know incredible, you know sermon you know come to Jesus type moment you know where he had the right thing to say the right time but but here's what he did is that he got closer to me and in one of the greatest things we can do because I want to give people hope I stand it. Did you know that you can actually drain anger out of people by simply being with them and that word with this is really the secret there and one of the things my dad did was he. We met were both big golfers and so we we love to golf in the summer and into one of things he would do is is he would we would. We spent a lot of time on the golf course together and my dad never brought anything up.

My dad never had this in no moment where he where he confronted me about this, all he did was he was he was with me and and they opened me up to being able to feel the safety to even share some of things I was going through with my dad for which them you were able to start the conversation but that's the hope that I want to give some if you don't have to have an incredible word for somebody your aura. You know, you don't have to. You don't have to have the counties this fancy strategy.

All of this is being with somebody. And so that's what really made the difference for me is is there so many people in my life that have been with me through thick and thin through somebody's greatest painful moments of my life. It was really through those people to the Lord was able to deliver me to forgiveness and and deliver me to a new place of love through forgiveness have often found that people who are trying to help someone is angry will condemn them to preach to you should be angry about this and end date they already know that are really happy about it themselves. In the but I think when we can express understanding and so yeah I can say I do be angry about that. That makes sense to me but it's how we handle anger. That's the big issue you know and then then they'll be open to listen sometimes to about it if you're empathetic with their anger. I like to change the subject of minutes and talk about the whole dating scene today. We get a lot of questions on this program about dating where it's a crazy world. You know what what you say. The younger people who are frustrated with the whole dating scene today. I'm one of those people.

Gary, I mean that dating is something that is such a frustrating thing today and and it's because we live our life in the public these days we live our life in social media and whenever life on Instagram and Facebook and you know when will we love to also project ourselves onto Yosemite different celebrity relationships and and one of the things I love encouraging younger people who are just diving into dating is to really go on the incredible journey of really becoming whole yourself and that was section 1 of the things that I wrote about my book was really learning how to honor yourself because we talk a lot about honoring others but what what about if what about ourselves and and you know that was one of the journeys that I went on, especially my daily Gary is a really big hands to learn what is a truly mean to honor myself and because you like what Jesus says that we always was to be able to love others like ourselves. We don't even love ourselves. And so that's one of the things I love encouraging people to do is to really take the steps able to find what do I need to do to truly become whole. And so one of things that I love encouraging people to do is is you know, one of the things I write about is that one of the best ways to learn to honor others is by creating honor list about somebody and all that is is is basically creating a unnumbered list of some things that you can learn to cherish and to value about the people in your life. But what's crazy is that we can also make an honor list ourselves as I'll never forget I was sitting down one day and I thought you not to try this and I took out my iPhone and and I love.

I create a lot of notes on my phone which I love that we have this incredible tool these dates for a frigate for this stuff, especially for this, but it would be device but one of things I did was I sat down and I started writing on the list for myself. Some things that I could learn to value about myself and some things that I could the things that I thought that I could bring value into relationship and my trip to begin to do that. I started to feel more whole inside and it's funny that that you know what when you when you become. Did we get to this place for you can truly learn to honor and value yourself. It's incredible how love then begins to grow for other people because you feel free to be able to be in a healthy and vibrant relationship because you feel like you have strong self-esteem and that your ear confident about yourself and about, we don't take that journey.

A lot of times that's were some of the woes. I think with dating really comes from Gary's because a lot of us don't really understand parts of ourselves. Maybe there's some left over baggage that we need to address and and so that's why I thought I would always encourage people to really begin to look on the inside first before they begin searching on the cipher for a relationship and absorbing a Christian, a follower of Christ really impacts because we recognize I'm a child of God laid in God's image valuable. Yeah, we all have things that we would like to change the need to change actually in our lives because we are in the process of personal growth. But when we look at ourselves the way God looks at us. It helps us understand who we are and why we can indeed honor ourselves. That's a really key point. You also write about understanding personalities and personality types.

How can that how can these assessments be used for the benefit relationships, personalities, and that was probably my favorite chapter to write about in real life love was my chapter on personalities because I'm always taking those little personality tests online. You know they post buds fees quizzes like you know which Starbucks drink best articulate your personality and things like that and I love those and we have so many incredible personality assessments. These days that the ideograms and I got my grandfather along with Dr. John Trent, which was the lion otter beaver golden retriever personality test and that's when I really grew up with an aunt, but the one that I wrote about the book was actually developed by our good friend know you know well I'm curious. Dr. (and you know Dr. Parikh wrote that book. Save your marriage before it starts and he also was the cofounder of eHarmony marriage and we were sitting down for dinner. Les and I were in Seattle where he lives and he was telling me about this personality assessment.

He developed that is individually unique to each and every single person that takes that my thought.

I said I said let's also possibly set way so use the science from the eHarmony that in the eHarmony assessment and the personality portion that we put it into something where everybody can take, whether single, married or dating. They can really learn something about themselves as all these paragraphs you see on the assessments that make sure about your personality are unique to you. Nobody else has those and it's all your own unique wording and so end up taking this assessment and I completely learn so much more about myself than I ever knew before ending in here is the site and here's the beauty of I think this is that the key with personality assessments is that we can truly learn to understand our own personality and how we take. It helps to be able to communicate our needs to other people and in also. I think it gives us a greater understanding of how to get along with others as well because I'm once you have an understanding of personality helps the field understand why what makes other people take as well because some example we have this guy is maintenance man in the building where I work and I'm he's always, gruff guy and you easily. I've sometimes only my light on it night and I forget to turn off and you is always first to tell me and that we should really take me because since the personality and so you know, confrontation is something that I enjoy and about. Remember that popped in my mind that you will discuss probably more about of the lion personality and that you know going that's my grandpa's personality assessment and it really made me understand what this guy's needs weren't so Midsummer.

I love my light on one time in any came back and and yesterday electrolyte on the Gagnon he can't be doing that in and out I apologized and we see that having a great conversation. I got to know him more because I realized you know who he is as a person and I think personality is the blueprint the God used to create each and every single one of us. And here's the beautiful thing about personality Gary is that each of us are created with her own unique personality and is a beautiful thing we can identify those in people and use toward our advantage in our relationships, marriage minutes, as we don't know those aspects of personality. I remember Mo marriage. You know their morning people in there like people. Okay, I had this vision. When we got married that my wife and I were going to have breakfast together in the morning and have devotions together and prayed together after we got married. I found out she didn't wake up at 10 o'clock and she got up, but she didn't wake up okay and I had to give up that little dream of my bar have a morning devotions are we going to have devotions, glad to be in the early afternoon or evening. So the more we can discover personality differences before we get married other better prepared. We are a thank you note to to place those issues is okay how we go to work this out because I love personalities that tend to stick with us for a lifetime. Yeah, summer organ's and some are unorganized on the unorganized category because I don't write you know I could make the choice to be easily offended from what the sky was, you know how the sky was was treating me and and you even in my future relationship. I know that about myself that I'm more of a sensitive person, so it's able to help think of guard my heart towards the end in truly being able to understand. Also me were some of these people are coming from and so that's why think personally, such powerful thing. But we know that relationships can bring us pain and trials tells about time in your own life. When the relationship brought you pain and how you work through that. My I was loved to tease my mom because my mom's name is Carrie. She's my grandfather's daughter and my mom and I are so similar and that one of the things that I was ill 20 people called me this, a man I just cannot get along with my son and I got your tongue a little bit about them and I can clearly see that it's because there's so much like each other and so you know because my mom and I are so similar personality which over to talking about week there tends to be some conflict there and so never forget my parents moved to Dallas Texas that actually marriage pastors at a church there called Fellowship of the parks and I did. I was still living in Missouri and he wanted to leave. And so even though I was in adults you know and and was in college I still was probably acting maybe a little bit more immature than I should have been and member I was my mom and I were were deeply engaged in an instant conflict and it wasn't just one argument time.

It was an argument over several different times in and I thought, man. It was really painful for me because I've always been around my family know my parents always lived in the same town as me and it is something comforting about being able to go over there and have your family unit close to you and being part of it in their home and everything and so it was a huge trial for me to see them move on from Missouri to Texas and and I bet you wanted things. My grandfather taught me, on which I think is such a beautiful piece of relationship advice is he always told me that the trails are little bit like oysters and you know oysters are gross and you know they're crusty on the outside and other slimy on the inside but is incredible thing about oysters that there's always a pearl inside the oyster and you know they have a unique ability to make these beautiful stone like things that are just so just gorgeous and you people put them on you where my on jewelry and so grandpa always taught me to do was twist a treasure hunt for that for the beauty inside.

Inside this these ugly trials and I'm in so you know while there might be a weather might not be a pearl inside every oyster in real life and there's always a pearl inside each and every one of our trials and so never forget. I try to sit down and I try to make a list of some of the positive. What what what are some maybe some things I can learn to treasure about this difficult thing of might my parents leaving and member on the forget the day that with that one came to me in and in and out there and I came to my mom and as a young mommy. I said I've really thinking about our relationship. I've been to have this is really hard for many.

You guys are leaving but I'm so excited you kids get to go and get the dive into the church and really do what you love and mentor couples, and in so that was a huge pearl for me and when I was able to identify that pearl in this trial.

It's amazing how some of those feelings of anger, like were talking earlier began to appear as able to really focus on on what really would. What is true in the matter because I do not sweat the trials tend to do. Gary stating the block that the truth of the Lord has first. Each one of the situations but I will we take the journey of treasure hunting and diving for those oysters and they can be maybe a little difficult to pry open, but only do we search that pearl is sexual morning paying for us to be able to build really see what the Lord is doing in in in this situation, and maybe even in a struggling relationship like that. I like that metaphor for many of our listeners.

Michael their faith in God is really an important part of their lives is your faith in God benefited your own relationships. Yeah it's it's huge for me to it in one of the things that I've really learned is is the Bible is such an incredible misunderstood tool to use in our relationships because if you grew up in church, you know it can be kind of it is still advice for us to build a turn to the word of God but were talking earlier when I went on this journey of really learning how to love people well and you honor was with the first thing that I that I learned. But the second thing that I learned is is really what my grandpa instilled in me which was the power of God's word and our relationship seen my grandfather was so big on memorizing and meditating on Scripture and in so there's a few scriptures that that we memorized and meditated on when I was 10 years old he was, first, learning all this in and out. I was, grandpa's guinea pig. Weird things that that he was interested in, but one of the things that we did together was you memorize Scripture and him and so on.

One of the one of the verses that we memorize James 119. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger with powerful advice for our relationships right and Philippians Philippians 489 thinking only these eight things ever's true honorable right, sure, lovely, adorable, excellent worthy of praise as a member of memorizing these verses of my grandfather and I really began to do a Bible save what is the board have to say about relationships in his word and and some a lot of the things the Lord has to say is is a is Goldfarb relationships and in fact one of things I love encouraging people to do it's really look at how Jesus interacting with people as Jesus was was the greatest lover in the in world history, and so we can look at maybe some of things he said to people.

Some of the actions he did to people and will eat and when we actually use those in our own relationships. It really is a powerful thing. And so for me that's what's been so cool I seeing my faith bridge over in my relationships. It is, is that we serve an incredible loving God and were able to replicate that love that he has for us in our own relationships. It opens up a whole new world plug is no question about our relationship with God gives us the power to changes in our lives.

I will ask you this, as we come toward the end of our program. If you had to pick three things to make a relationship better, what would you choose.

I love the question. The first thing that I would choose is is definitely learned to make a decision every single day to choose to choose love and that goes back to what you're talking earlier is is choose every single day to see the people in our life for how Jesus sees them, which is really entering into and honoring relationship and so onerous is number one.

Number two. Gary well one thing that I got to write about and one of these. My grandpa always used to instill in me is this idea of servant hood and outs and being a servant instead of a taker and that was one of the things that my grandfather was so good at is is he was like a master servant and you note servant of servant hood is like jumping in the fast lane to great relationships because we can truly put others ahead of us and see their needs ahead of ours.

That's where love begins to grow and so for me servant hood was was such an incredible thing and and I've will have a lot of time but there's so many stories of how certain it is has affected my life but that's been one of the most powerful things for me and also Gary is I was just talking an individual about this yesterday and that's communication and I'm in. I think communication is the lifeblood of our relationships and and being a Somebody who study communication for a living in and did engage in broadcasting at something that I'm fascinated about and I'm learning a lot more about you know, one of the things that I think makes a good communicator that makes good communication is listening and that was one of the things my grandfather was really really good at was was being able to truly listen to somebody's words truly listen to their feelings and look at learning to understand them and then also learning to validate and insult that something that I've been able to use and in my relationships something that I've seen to a lot of wonders a lot of important flick point miracle grow on a broken relationship. Frankly pathetic listening where you try to put yourself in the cities of the other person and see the world through their eyes. Really it just opens up communication because people want to be heard. People want to be understood and when we demonstrate that, then they are more likely to demonstrate that you are back to us. So I agree with you about your father, and his tutor service to other people and in a marriage relationship. Obviously, that is huge when the husband says, honey, what can I do to help you talking I like your life easier. You know you take that approach to marriage. You probably will have a great marriage and Michael this is been delightful talking with you reflecting on your grandfather but but seeing how God is using you in your own spirit. Now this is super, and pray God is going to keep his hand on you and God's going to use you not just like you used your grandfather know it's it's your life and he's got plans for you so excited about it and I'm hoping that many of our listeners are going to get this book and read it because it will be helpful to them. So thanks for being with us think you carried a blast again. Michael Gibson's books are featured resource@ 5lovelanguages.com real life love saying goodbye the fairytale and hello true relationships. Find out more. Five love languages.com next week we take your questions and comments from our listener line. Don't miss our dear Gary broadcast for March in one week.

Thank you to our production team went and Janice time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman's action of the radio in association with publishers administering.

Thanks, Melissa


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