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July 23, 2020 2:00 am
Pastor Sam Crabtree, author of "Parenting With Loving Correction," helps young couples understand the importance of loving discipline in their children's lives. Crabtree emphasizes that parents must mean what they say and be consistent with the boundaries they set. He also explains why disciplining a child with loving correction will gain a child's heart in the long run.
Show Notes and Resources
Bonus discussion with Pastor Sam Crabtree on "parenting with loving correction." https://www.familylife.com/podcasts/familylife-today/parenting-with-loving-correction-sam-crabtree/
FamilyLife's Art of Parenting® video clip on disciplining your children. https://www.familylife.com/podcasts/familylife-today/art-of-parenting-video-clip-to-spank-or-not-to-spank/
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Sam Crabtree is a grandfather who recently was watching his grandchildren while their parents were gone and before they went to school. Sam let them know about a boundary he was putting in place after school, they could have a snack until four, but not after that to come up after school gave reminder, you can have snacks to 4 o'clock after 4 o'clock no snacks well. 4 o'clock comes no snacks and I'm starting here I'm hungry and then the tone starts to intensify when I am so hungry. Grandpa noon supper will be a little bit and held the line.
No snacks till supper and the next night only one said I'm hungry. Grandpa third night no comments. This is family life to her hosts are Damon and Wilson on Bob Payne. Are there boundaries in place for your kids at your house and do you enforce those boundaries to the get tested course they do offer some help on how you can hold the line with your kids today stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us. I get excited about programs were to do where I feel like okay working to help some moms and dads with some real honest stuff you're dealing with, but but then I think to myself I come across a book like the one we talk about today and I got what I really want us to send this to my kids say start doing this with the grandkids right here. I feel the same way just to say that I get excited about glass finding out little-known facts about Bob Lapine that I just found out you just find out in the last minute. I guess today is from the Minnesota and I didn't know you were born in Adina Minnesota. I was born in Adina Minnesota which I understand is kind of like old money Minnesota is that right now I don't think it was in the 50s when I was there because we didn't have old money within the much money right but understand when I say Adina now people go all your from that part of what you're trying to get away from what I meant to say because I just found out he got a stands for is an acronym is an acronym for every day.
I need attention, so I thought as I have explained why my radio.
I hope you let me fly home.
Our guest is not for me Adina, but he is from the Twin Cities Sam Crabtree joining us on family life today. Welcome back, glad to be here really glad to be here. Sam is an author. He's the executive pastor at a church in Minnesota called Bethlehem Baptist Church, which if people of her Bethlehem Baptist, it's probably because you had a pastor for a number of years you worked with who became pretty well known John Piper got me there. He was there. 30 some years and now he's he's a full-time with the desiring God ministries and I'm on the board and just incidentally were also next-door neighbors since I arrived. We roll our garbage to the curb well and and you continue to serve at Bethlehem Baptist Hollow Dr. Piper matriculated about five years ago and is as you said full-time with desiring God Sampson author.
He's been here on family life to the before and and when I saw your new book. I'm thinking a grandparent had to put your heart here is really to help young couples understand that they can serve their children really well if they will correct them really well.
That's right and it's been my my heart's cry to God in my prayer that this would be helpful to parents not just a book but on the coffee table or read to the product line or something like that. I love Dennis and Barb Rainey's book on parenting just recently out emphasizes children as arrows is a biblical motive and this book that I've written parenting with love and correction is just a little tiny subcomponent of parenting, but it aims at making sure that those arrows are straight so that they'll fly to the mark where you're intending to aim them as you look at young couples today raising the next generation of children would you say that in this area of loving correction young couples are getting it, or that they are that they need some help in this area. Well, there's a continuum. As you know there is a spectrum and some some my young parents are well trained maybe by their parents or grandparents are well read, or they followed family life. And then they know they're just sharp as a tack on this.
And then there's their other families that I've observed that seem clueless and I and I don't mean to be pejorative or or condemning of them. It's my ache for them. That prompted me to want to write this book to try to help them mean what they say when they speak to their children so they get those that are clueless are they are they just checking out of correction altogether with their kids. Is that what you're seeing now well again. II would hate to generalize and put everybody in the same bucket as to why they would do it. I think there can be different reasons why people don't correct their children well and I don't mean become dictatorial tyrannical that's not what I'm talking about here that is not right what I'm talking about here, but they don't hold a line with their children. Maybe because they don't know how to maybe because they're afraid of their children. Maybe that they've been influenced to think if I'm too consistent. That equates to harshness and rigidity and my child will grow up warped and will hate me and despise his childhood and some parents are just weary. There just blush there tired it takes energy right to correct your children so there can be multiple reasons why parents don't do it or won't do it. We we just spent four days watching our grandkids a four-year-old girl two-year-old boy and a one-year-old boy and you know grandparents right and so when we got up on the plane to fly home after four days my wife looks at me and says so how you doing we haven't talked in four days. I'm telling you Sam.
I remember night all I forgot how all-consuming this wise that stages and how did I have any time to spend with God. How did I have a marriage. You know, because it really is so demanding when our kids are so little and I think in this culture, the loving peace, like we all went to love our kids but what about the correction piece. What is that mean and why is that so important well is to identify with the energy we love when our grandkids come and we love when they go and we love them dearly and I don't I would guess. I don't pray for anybody more as to children, there their high priority and how may he have six housings from age soon to be 14 on down and and they take energy they do my daughter-in-law because of her work was on a work trip and her husband was able to go with her so they ask us if we would be the grandparents and Vicki was not able to be a long, because if she has a music studio and she had stuff scheduled in there so I want to be solo grandpa for four days and nights. Wow, how many kids at that time.
Well, I'd say there probably were 11 on down something like that. Yeah. And so I'm going I'm going to get them up in the morning I'm going to breakfast and make sure they're ready for school have their you know hair brushed and whatever and and get them off to school except for the four-year-old who was with me all day.
Peyton and then get them after school after school snacks, meal, supper, bedtime, Scripture memory get all that stuff baths. I am to be very impressed right now.
I'm exhausted and so one of the things that I did and this is germane now to this book parenting with loving correction is. I decided that while I was there, and while I was the adult who was going to be our danceable if you're stewarding these these four opportunities when they come home from school snacks are in the order the day and that's fine. Appropriate snacks, but after 4 o'clock. No snacks and it's a new rule at their house so present a new rule you brought or is there now so your brain and what was the reason behind the no snacks after four well multiple reasons. One is if they just continue snacking into the evening, then they don't eat the good meal that's going to be provided. My wife is right now shouting at the radio go.
I can just just can't do this, raising all afternoon and then sit down for dinner.
Please, please continue well. Looks I just heard this from my wife over and over again and in the later it gets, you know, the hungrier they can be in the more they're eating right before the meal is served so so no snacks after 4 o'clock. While I was fully anticipating that this would meet with some pushback because it's new rule.
And besides, they're hungry, and so they had multiple reasons to think, you know, could we have another king and but if you establish the rule early in the day know when you get home when you get home from school tonight. You can snack you have snacks, much as you want for you if you want to have all the yogurt you want to tab as much you want a 4 o'clock no snacks till supper and early right talk about it. That's fair.
Tyrants spring rule right on people writing and good legislators prep the people and have listening meetings and know that I think so. So pick him up after school gave reminder, you can have snacks to 4 o'clock after 4 o'clock no snacks well. 4 o'clock comes no snacks and I'm starting here I'm hungry and then the tone starts to intensify when I am so hungry.
Grandpa noon supper will be a little bit and held the line.
No snacks till supper and the next night only one said I'm hungry. Grandpa third night no comments they knew when supper gets here we can eat but at 4 o'clock there's a cutoff well. They ate better than supper.
We enjoyed conversation better at supper. There just was a a better family dynamic that were in this together. In this rule isn't hurting anybody. Nobody is becoming malnourished because they can't graze until supper. Now my enforcement I'm on the energy question that took energy. I don't know how many times I had to say no, sorry. Supper will be little bit on the stove that takes energy from parents and you know when you're burning through energy. There's a grace for it but the more grace you're burning through the more you want. You know you can run your engine at high speed along time at once will you stop and change the oil as it weren't, so it does take energy from parents, but I think the payoff is well worth it and it was in that particular instance. So II think that it did the children win and the adults win by the third night yeah nobody said think so.
You hear that story and you like. Of course, why wouldn't any parent do that. Here's a question.
Why don't parents do that well I think were revisiting some of the rationale mentioned earlier, some are tiresome don't know that they could do it. Some don't want to invest the energy I'll tell you what it was for me because Marianne tended to be the more authoritarian parent in our house, so I tend to be the more permissive on the fun dad, she's the rules. Mom, this is Dave Wilson is a sound familiar to you. Okay, not resentful and always having a bad guy. Honestly, part of. I think what motivated me in this direction was, I think there was some fear in my heart that if I was too rigid with my kids. I would lose their heart that the relationship would somehow deteriorate. Looking back, I recognize that was more about my fear.
That was about what was there. In reality, I mean if I could do the do over I would know that when I say no and they say you're the meanest dad.
There is an get mad and storm out.
I haven't lost them. That's a momentary childish irruption that doesn't mean them to snuggle with me that that night right, but as a parent I was fearful Sam of I don't want to be too rigid because I don't want my kids growing up going on just my dad if my experience has been both with my children and my grandchildren and those rare episodes and I'm so grateful they were rare, very rare where I am most currently had to consistently chasten the child punish the child within 30 minutes there. Sit in my lap and were playing a game together, and the endearment. Is there the belongingness is there.
The past is the past we've buried the hatchet. I don't think we need to fear that, but we should hasten to say that correction takes place best in an environment where there is lots of affirmation that the reason loving correction is in.
This is because unless loving is the atmosphere in which corrections taking place. You're going to have problems if it's all correction of no loving run young factories were no loving know is loving but if all they get is no right know this know that no never know knock it off and there's not enough yeses.
The nose become very unappetizing fact there you know they're hard to take anyway. But if the child knows there's lots of yeses lots of permission. Lots of let's do this together lots of let's experiment with this lots of happiness and smiling and laughing in a spoonful of sugar medicine go down. I like that in your book that you talk about rewarding obedience and not disobedience. What's that look like all Crossway approach me said you know you got some you want to write and I thought that so let me illustrate it. I was at the store just couple weeks ago in line behind a woman with two small children. One of them in the cart and she is a cart full of stuff and she's trying to get it on the conveyor belt for the checkout clerk and the child little boy in the cart is having a hissy fit being demanding an end, I would say I would insert in here parents. You can tell the difference in the cry of your children.
You know when there's a hurt, injured cry they just pinch the finger and you know when there's a tired cry, and so on. Well, there is also a defiant. I want to be in charge cry I want to have my way. I want Candy not only outline well apparently she led him to believe somehow I'd say he was maybe two years old that she was gonna buy some twisters, and there they were.
They were in the cart but she hadn't gotten rid of them yet and he's demanding and most of the checkout area in the store is aware that this is going on and she's feeling embarrassed by Mahler Armada right I'm not on her case about this, you're asking, how does it work so she fishes through the cart finds the twisters scans them to the clerk so we can pay for the trailer first. Then she opens the package while he's crying, pulls out a cruiser and gives it to him know I would ask what did she just do.
She rewarded his she's a reading rewarded his hissy fit so the principle that God has wired into the universe is that behaviors that are rewarded tend to be repeated, so she rewarded his hissy fit is demanding cry is actually hurting his defiance because she told him no several times so she hands him at Whistler. So I watched he bit the end off of the puzzler held his hand out over the edge of the cart.
All and dropped it on the floor on purpose.
On purpose. Oh boy I and demanded another one a hissy fit just a screaming fit so she pulled out another one and gave him another twist and she's paying him to do this. I see issues instead of rewarding his cooperation.
She's rewarding his hassle factor as we going to get more of it. Okay I'm hearing the story and you know and I II agree with what you're saying but I'm something of his mom who is in crisis management mode is that somebody behind her.
Who's trying to get in the shopping cart. The whole the whole, but she's just trying to get through this moment had a big fight with her husband that day and she's exhausted or he or she just wants to get the whole thing kind of under control in the moment, so that not everybody staring at her and behind her are going could you hurry this up in the cashers going get you manager kids. She's just trying to solve that instant problem and she'll worry about the obedience and disobedience thing later, so Sam tells what to do or is there something she could have done in that moment that would been better. Did you say anything to her.
I didn't jurisdiction matters mean, if it's your own kid. That's right thing and if it's a stranger in the checkout line and Lotta judgment calls there and I wouldn't fault somebody if they did say something in and there are people who would handle it may be different than I did what you just watch it happen and then wish her well as she went on her way out your book and I and I tried to engage both of the children in conversation.
What I would say to her is that if you want to just placate the child so that you can get done with the shopping and get out of the store.
Just beware you just made your problem worse.
Are you sure you want to pay that cost to get out of the store because the child would not be injured.
If you just let them cry. He can learn to wait isn't waiting.
One of the hardest things in life we do, even as adults we we so hate to wait but delay of gratification.
That's that's part of maturity and we help our children when they have to wait for something's not that we we know intentionally torture them by extending wait periods, but a reasonable weight is get out of the store. Now what you would you have it in the situations that your granddaughter, grandson in the same things happen. Cart your son years ago daughter years ago would you have said no, you're not going to go to is there now or would you have said, if you can ask ask more politely. I'll give it to his or you stop the cry except the one in and asked for one more politely rewarding the good behavior not rewarding the bad thoughts and it's a good question and my answer would vary based upon how old the child was and I didn't know this two-year-old in the shopping cart but with my children. We had the conversation before going to the store and my daughters love going to the grocery store with me. We would get to carts from number of years in our marriage. I would go to the grocery store of acute stay home and I take the girls and it was an adventure. One girl in each cart and are you pushing both carts pushing one upon the other and as they grew older, I would invite them into decisions. I think they could make early on it was judges would hand him stuff and then there decision is where to put it in the cart and they'd stack and re-stack in and then re-stack re-re-stack but later I'd ask which which kind of soup. Should we get which kind of cereal. Should we buy. Do you think were out of lettuce and invite them into the shopping. This one cost this much this will cost this much would you think we should do but we had the conversation ahead of time and they knew that if you are belligerent which which is different than just being active or mischievous or there is you have to knock something off the shelf inadvertently or something like that. If there's a belligerence will just leave the carts right there and will get in the car and go home and you won't be happy about it that you have to do that thinking once to remember. I remember being in a grocery line with three little boys and I was always jealous.
I look at mom's with girls and I'm thinking some content just to fit in. The boys had so much energy and I had some of those moments and every parent has moments that you just feel like my children are out of control and I'm so embarrassed and so I learned quickly that we had had the conversation before we walk in the grocery store. More chaos would ensue. And so yeah I think in the grocery store. We kinda set the minutes boys here's what's can happen if you get crazy in the air, and disobedience screaming will go back to the car and will go home and then I would go back alone and he loved the grocery store to because we had fun. Throw them things like it's basketball. Need put it in the cart and so it will become this great adventure and if they didn't get to come. They really missed out. But you in on something and we talk about this in the art of parenting video series and it's it's what you talk about in the book Sam for correction to occur. There has to be instruction before there's correction and I see a lot of parents. Assuming that a child is going to know how to behave, not coaching the child not doing the instructing not having those those hovels in the parking lot before you go in and execute the game plan in the store.
When you pull in and say okay here's what's going to happen were to go into the store.
It's gonna take us about 20 minutes. You may get bored at some point in it. But here I want this behavior to be like this and and it'll be a good experience. If we get this and maybe we'll go the park this afternoon if it all works out well here but if it doesn't go well here. It's not can be a good day. The rest of the day and you get them understanding that, and then in the middle of it. You can say remember we talked about the car and you can draw on that not only talking events in the car, but it can happen in the moment in the store right so something happens in the store, you can say trouble about it this time. If you do that again. Are we clear look me in the I know you understand. If you do that again.
That's an offense that's trouble for you state that the key here is that there needs to be loving correction, and for this to be loving you have to have a foundation in place for that correction to occur properly, that that's what is at the heart of what you've written about in the book parenting with loving correction practical help for raising your children and were making this book available to family life today listeners who can help support the work of this ministry world, a list or supported ministry. Your donations are what make this daily program possible. So if you can pitch in and help with the ongoing work and family life today would love to send you a copy of Sam's book as our thank you gift for your support. Again, the title of the book is parenting with loving correction practical help for raising your children, you can request your copy when you donate online@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today to make a donation again. The website is family life to a.com, the number to call is 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today should ask for your copy of Sam Crabtree's book parenting with loving correction when you make a donation and then find out more about family life's resource. The art of parenting.
The video series that we have available that's being used in small group settings.
At least when were able to have small group settings or resume classes or whatever you're doing to connect with people.
The art of parenting is a great resource to help you think about the key issues we face when were raising toddlers or raising teenagers find out more about the art of parenting when you go to family life to a.com one more resource I will mention to you were aware that a lot of marriages have been facing strain and pressure because of the uncertainty of what's going on in our world and in our lives these days that stress has put pressure on marriages and so we put together an online resource that is called taking your marriage from good to great. This includes a couple of my many courses, one on resolving conflict in marriage, another one called lightbulb moments for your marriage.
There is access to audio teaching from Paul David Tripp Gary Chapman Bodie Baucom, Julie Slattery and then some downloadable's quiz you can take to determine whether you're a good listener conversation starter questions for you and your spouse. And then there is an additional incentive to get you to engage with this content. One couple who who signs up for the taking your marriage from good to great resource. One couple is going to join us here at family life for an upcoming family life today recording session as our guests will fly you input you up and after the recording session, you'll have dinner that night with Damon and Wilson so we thought maybe that would just give you a little extra incentive to build a stronger marriage go to family life to a.com for all the information all the details. No purchase necessary. Again, the information is available online@familylifetoa.com. Not tomorrow. We're going to talk about why it's so important for parents to not only set boundaries, but not to capitulate to weaken on those boundaries. Sam Crabtree joins us again tomorrow. Hope you can be back with us for that as well.
Think our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast action team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Wilson and Bob see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life to is a production family life of Little Rock, Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow