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32- Solving our Problems Without Blaming Others

The Cure / Aimee Cabo
The Truth Network Radio
July 19, 2019 3:00 am

32- Solving our Problems Without Blaming Others

The Cure / Aimee Cabo

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July 19, 2019 3:00 am

On today's show, Aimee talks with Dr. Nikolov and guest Bill DeBarba about how to move through challenges without always blaming others.  

THE CURE Live streamed podcast is hosted by Aimee Cabo and offers a platform of hope to anyone who has experienced domestic violence, abuse, mental illness, any trauma or is experiencing problems now in their lives. It's a place to find comfort, knowledge, strategies, answers, hope and love while healing the wounds and 'affirming' that you are not alone.  

Join Aimee and her professional guests on  The Cure with Aimee Cabo podcast    every Saturday at 1 PM EST  as it is recorded during the live radio show.

You can find information about the show and past guests by visiting the  RADIO SHOW PAGE.

You can also view the weekly  Video podcasts  on Apple Podcasts.  

Aimee hopes that anyone who has suffered abuse of any kind, or walked a moment in similar shoes, will find inspiration in these pages, and hope that love and truth will ultimately prevail. Please subscribe and share this podcast.
 
HOSTS:

Aimee Cabo Nikolov is a Cuban American who has lived most of her life in Miami. After many years of healing, finding love, raising a family and evolving her relationship with God, Aimee's true grit and courage led her to pen an honest, thought-provoking memoir. Years of abuse became overshadowed with years of happiness and unconditional love. Now Aimee is the president of IMIC Research, a medical research company, a speaker, radio host and focused on helping others. You can read more about Aimee by  visiting her website.
 
Dr. Boris Nikolov is the CEO of Neuroscience Clinic. You can read more about Dr. Nikolov and the work he is doing by  visiting his website.

GUESTS:

Bill DeBarba is a 4 decade entrepreneur.   He began the classic “back bedroom office” business, developing custom software for local companies.   His company, BusinessWare Services, Inc. (BWSI), grew until he had a staff developing products and providing services to a base of loyal customers around the country.

In his 40 years of ownership and management, he achieved a great deal of success.   One measure of that success is the fact that never in 40 years did any customers resort to legal action to resolve issues.   He learned how to recognize problems from the other’s point of view.   And he shared that knowledge in his book entitled The Process of Living.This publication explains how to manage the concepts of acknowledging thoughts, understanding feelings, and taking actions.   By effectively   applying these functions in responding to difficult issues, he found the most efficient way to simply solve problems.   If you would like to learn more, please contact him at debarba@cox.net.

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A brought to you by volume only see research length can bring many difficult situations, domestic violence, addictions, poverty and even sexual abuse by your loved ones welcome, Amy, and the Q shadow to going the difficult time.

I guess nothing in any way. We will try to help you and Tiny testimonies to the effect inviting professionals and inspirational speakers that can help with suggestions as a survivor. I hope to inspire others encourage transparency and find strength in knowing that those who suffer are not alone and those that heal against insurmountable odds, do exist. I'm also here joined by Dr. Boris McKenna hello my partner in life and network. We do everything together.

Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Didn't Jesus say that to be actually due to how often do we treat others the way we would like to be treated or do for others, but we would like them to do for us. It's much easier said than done. Think back to said it's better to understand then to be understood. He also said Lord, make me an instrument of your peace I leave. Peace is achieved with kindness being kind to others is best achieved when you try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. That's a great way to understand others and since most of us are kind to ourselves. We know how to be kind to others. A lot of times we suffer simply because we don't know better, learning to live your life right is a great preventative measure, not living right can be a set up for failure. Today I want to talk about how to live a better life and how to solve problems and we have a special guest entrepreneur businessman who reached the height of the success simply by being kind to others. Today's guest is Bill, the Barbara bill that Barbara is an entrepreneur for 40 years managed to successfully his company business where services Bill is also a public speaker with many years of experience.

He learned how to recognize problems from the others point of view and he shared that knowledge in his book the process of living. The book explains how to manage the concept of acknowledging thoughts understanding feelings and taking actions.

This helps solving problems efficiently. Bill welcome to the show Jan the care I would like to invite Bill to share with us his knowledge and help us understand a little more about the process. How is it best to solve a problem will solving a problem is course identifying the problem in understanding the first instinct of laying blame, whether for yourself or to others is the worst possible thing you can do. There is a process that we can follow in the process consists of three very simple things are thoughts or feelings, interactions, and point of fact we define ourselves we are the combination of both reasoning and when we set the process in motion.

In a way that really focuses on the objective as opposed to having other people control us by taking over those process for us, allowing them to do or trying to do that from someone else.

One of things I'm very proud of in my 40 years of business I never dealt with a lawsuit of any kind, whether we filed or someone else filed against those that never happened and why that happened was because I learned very early on that if someone is acting upset acting rude acting in a negative way I can respond to that or I can put that into my process and determine what the solution might be the actual work of the process is really the communication between your thoughts, your feelings and your actions that communication to the extent that it is consistent, and that his firm can accomplish literally anything so just, it's best to take accountability for your actions and I understand it in your book. The process of learning is a basic premise upon which way to do this and I believe you said something about it's important to put yourself see the other point is a person's point of view. Can you tell me a little bit about that because sometimes somebody can say something to us makes us angry or that we can get a send date or we can get our feelings hurt. How do we overcome that so we can have an appropriate response in the way we overcome that owning our feelings about it not having the other person able to say things that cause us to respond in a way that is contrary to everyone's best interest. So if someone makes me feel a certain way because of how they speak, I have to realize that my feeling as a result of my response to what they say not what they said it's how I respond to yourself, exactly, and that's always the case and I think most people you know when they're having a nice quiet drink with friends can talk about this in theory. And it's wonderful. But the fact of the matter is applying it when it's going on is the real test is a very good challenge. It's it's it's a growth is really what it is. What happens is we've learned over time. A what I call word responses. There are many different types of learned responses that we have. I mean, you and I can stand up and walked across the room with no problem at all. We don't have to think about what signals are being sent from our brain through the spinal column to the muscles and all that we have to think about that. It happened automatically, but it wasn't always that way when we were little children we had to learn to walk. We had to think about what we were doing, how we were moving in someone so what happened is we did it enough times that our subconscious said oh I understand now when you want to walk. This is what you want me to do. I'm going to remember that all filing away and that's how I'll know what to do every time you have that thought so that the learned response very simple one. We all go through it, but there are other learned responses that are not necessarily so beneficial if someone says something about the way I look. If someone says something about my lack of intelligence any of the kinds of things that they might come up with.

I may have a response because I have taught myself that response. I have learned that response by watching other people's yes because we allow the external world influence and we follow. See, I always say beginning stand out from the rest. Why be like everyone else walked past absolutely correct in getting from where you are to getting to their is the biggest challenge of life took me a very long time. No.

Believe me, you're not alone in progress will never start where learning of all the robbers planted you learned it many many people never do still go through their entire life. Responding the same way to the same kind of situations regardless of the negative effect that it takes because they won't own it, they won't own their learned response there owning or putting the blame on the source you said this to me it's your fault that I feel this way. It is your fault that I reacted this way, you're forgetting that when you are giving up our you saying that we should get countable for our feelings and what's the point in getting angry. Anyway what their gifts. It's the other person's feelings. I believe that's the forces angry. There's no need to so response helpful to get angry know it's not you have to be firm in your response and you have to be fair and make sure that you are protecting your interest but that doesn't mean you have to be angry. That doesn't mean you have to be vicious and this is something that we can practice with their children. Sometimes it can be frustrating and I understand I mean I grew up in households where my mother was have to work on being kind testing is not easy, but I am working on and I know that it's better when I'm teaching my son something when asking him to do something that it can kind telling him to do it old do this and it just basically get a better response.

I think it's also the responsibility of others to be kind to others. Right.

We need to be responsible for our own feeling and I like to think that I help my children when they were growing up in this way because when they had a negative reaction if I said or did something that hurt their feelings. I would talk about their feelings.

I would ask them how does it make you feel. Why do you think that makes you feel that way. Focusing on their feelings with the understanding that they control that piece unless they do, then the other person is controlling you this to get the person to send them a moment to think about it to take a step back because that would make it easier. The very few times, unable not to get angry and handle something terribly. I feel so much better on part of myself. I did it right, rather than feeling guilty while I don't like the way I reacted. I feel like I'm poker. I feel like I'm a mother does no good.

It's better to take the challenge and do I need to be kind, especially when it's not expected. Very true. Your attention to the other person feeling is an immediate when when it's going the other way when someone is reacting to you in a negative way because you may have opened up their learned behavior that you didn't even know about.

You may have said something that you felt was totally but somehow it triggered something that was in their file is a learned behavior and they responded to that when your response is one of kindness was one of understanding tell me how this make you feel like I didn't understand. You know then you're focusing their attention back on their feelings, which is the source also letting them know you can all absolutely that's a very important part because that disarms when someone is feeling caring you are disarming their anger or upset their viciousness. I mean you can help to bring that back, and now they have the opportunity to look at and examine their feelings and why they're feeling this way and this is really helpful to see if you respond in anger.

Back then you just escalating the entire event in a very negative way conducting business in the company. Like your bosses angry, I got it so I was the boss.

I know, but really that's not true because our clients with a true bluff.

We were in business and I had many situations where something would go wrong Vermont of one of my employees didn't follow through with what they were told to do. Or maybe there was a misunderstanding of what was expected and then I would get a phone call on someone saying I can't believe your people did this, what kind do not have and so on. Okay go through as well and what I learned to do very early on was to respond to the problem. Please. I'm sorry this happened.

We will take care and I explained to me what it is you need. How can we make this up what we have to do to change so that we are back where we are where we should be and this has an incredible effect of disarming almost instantly. The anger that the other people live a person's feeling because now they know I'm I'm teaming with them to make their situation better on putting in my effort for that I'm not putting it into defend myself. I'm not putting it into tell their ungrateful client.

I'm not putting it in any negative way. I am putting it into the solution of the problem and guess what, they start putting in the same way so smart like a situation like that. We work with my websites so I have this conversation with our clients and I was getting really angry and my wife is a delete better results. You have no low reasoning but I mean she's right because she's the client yet completely capable of controlling her anger and communicating better than they really are just telling me told that only want to talk about this some more, because I do think that that's something that's stressing a lot of employees is that sometimes bosses can get stated sometimes employees can feel overwhelmed or not appreciating back like to touch upon the subject. Someone now we continue with Amy, and that you were on 885 talking about how to solve the problem hi Dale, I have a question I sometimes because of our environment, we do have nine behaviors. When we grow up and sometimes whether it be with an employee switching our most precious things in our life and we feel that he doesn't do it and we feel like we have to be strong like like with our employees and still little bit of fear so he could be done right away, but the other way is that we are more persistent and we continue asking and yes it takes a little bit more time but eventually they get tired of the nagging and they do it the first time around, you know, I think that people sometimes understand the difference between anger and furnace. There is a way of anybody will pick it up.

Whether they identified with words will know if you are angry. If you are shouting you have that look on your face.

You have that tone in your voice. Even if you're not sure there is a projection of anger that anyone will pick up and they will respond differently from that that from how they would respond to furnace firmness makes it clear this is not negotiable. This will have to be done and if not there will be consequences that can be presented in a way that does not express anger in fact expresses love but it has to be. You have to be conscious of that because your learned response based on what happened to you when you were a child and I've read some of this and quite frankly it's amazing how well you've done you your learned response could be and I don't know you but anyone learned response could be immediate anger, you will not find me on your parents you will pay attention and once you understand what I'm saying how to listen to her mother that was so understand this have to do okay there time around you is your phone. It's so much different these days. It is because people are afraid to be from under her parents were afraid to be firm and you know again you have to know how to distinguish between the two. Firmness sometimes is appropriate. Anger is not. It doesn't help and where this process works you had notable experiences can share with us in achieving goals is used 40 process of how to work with people in some situations and take the right actions. In other words, living a lot of people think they can't do this unless I can figure out all the steps are going to have to take in all the actions and what they don't realize is there is a powerful force in us that most of us don't pay attention to. I call it the subconscious mind.

There are other names for people: soul fine energy instinct doesn't matter.

It's an incredibly powerful for for incredibly powerful that not only manages our bodily functions make sure everything is coordinated together make sure her breathing and heart rate are appropriate to what were doing and so on and so forth. But it also monitors that combination.

The process of thought, feeling, and action and it will look at that and say okay I know what she wants. I will go find it.

So what happened when I worked with customers in a way that said I want a solution. This was going on within me. Now I'm not talking about what I was saying to them. I'm talking about within me.

I want a solution is amazing how many times something that I would've never thought about would appear this stinking thinking along with this instinct, soul, spirit, subconscious, I don't care whatever you want to call it even exist and it will draw for us powerful forces that will help us reach the goal we want, but it doesn't form judgments. It will do that when were angry to it will go find the very things will support the anger and bring us down. The subconscious is not a jot is not your conscious. It is a force that we have that's our servant and will do whatever we want is good or bad. Many people I would say most people don't recognize what they're putting into action when they put the process to work. So, think carefully about how you want this to go because it will more than likely go that way so it's not just having the right to doing the right actions to solve problems is to see if person's point of view because I mean that's that's important because always believed in God.

That's been my strength & many years I suffered an understanding I'll go back and forth and I don't understand. I hate so much, why didn't things change that I was escaping with self-medicating and wasn't doing the right living right so you can't expect things to change if you not living right.

If you not taking the right action if you're not making the right move. Anything not treating others the right way because the way that you treat others reflects on yourself right and it generates energy, good or bad that you're going to experience because what they say.

Whatever you get out you get back what he you get what you put in a wonderful little thing is going to throw a boomerang.

Be prepared to duck the question of are you understanding the power that is your disposal. Whether it is solving a problem or achieving a goal. It works the same unit way.

You don't just about how you respond to other people's input is also about what do I want in life and if you understand the power that you have at your disposal that you will go forward if you don't, you may not have the confidence you may think, oh, I know I want to new house, but I can't possibly afford. Why don't even bother, in which case subconsciously. Oh, okay. You don't really want to but if you have trust in this incredible power behind you. There are no real limits that are in your way. Whatever you truly believe whatever you focus it will happen that requires insight knowing what is right. The Holy Spirit gives me nothing much in sight until I learned to pray everything, not just you know I have every once in a while or sometimes only grow up we forget we do that for me that's something that I needed and I know that the mind is a very powerful thing.

People say people say believing yourself believing in my seat.

It's about completely if even if you get upset like a negative attitude combat with a positive attitude and they can do that and there's cases where somebody suggesting the really really dark please and I depressed and don't care to help themselves and that was me until I came to God that wonderful wonderful way to take, I was the only way for me what works better spent for me okay Bill, this is very interesting so you've been having your company was dealing with staffing well. Our company was providing software and services for staffing company. We were in a staffing company we were providing the support we had customers around the country that we were providing what they needed to run the nice so do you think of these processes can be implemented, for example, when you hire employees like some kind of in the initial interview. Can you get like a glimpse on somebody so imply you know what it takes some training to be able to do that.

I mean this is the case, we are not necessarily getting a reaction or you're not responding directly from a personal point to what the person is saying or doing. I would find it in interviews, the more I let them talk and the less I talked the more I would love yeah that is very important.

You're not going to find out the kind of person you're doing with this you that I have are you and you do all the talking what you think.

But isn't it like more may be more appropriate to start structuring hiring people into like a real environment, and then well a lot of the temporary pharynx see how they performing real-world life and seeing in real situations, how they have the situation. I think it's basically how you deal with others and how you treat others, and I believe that the most important thing in life is human interaction. I believe that were set on this earth to be here for each other so that you really need to refine how we treat others any. The easiest way is just to put yourself in their shoes see from the perspective and like you said that. Like you said they'll be just like you said exactly like you said, you know. Yes, big part of the true listener. I think that is so wonderful.

All this makes people feel good when it makes them feel like you can listen to them actually listen listen listen to something I thought something to my husband and he's looking at me and not really but I say yes I do right now. I got my wife okay that I did getting in the capital and can listen to us every Friday at 2 PM Eastern on your radio or any.com or later podcast we will be right back with Amy, and she worked on 880 use and now we continue with Amy, and that you were on 880 and thanks for Now here I apologize. I displayed a song means you have my life a little love in my life.

I found that I and my mom have failed because I think that part of living well and sometimes when we're living in her mother's house. We feel like right when not succeeding or we're not good enough.

And it's interesting because I spoke to a doctor friend of mine who was telling me about some kids have really sad stories and oh so sad. She said she never got a toy for Christmas but I think you have a good family can have eat a roof of the head. Is that what happiness lies in materialistic things the car the child, the Korea can make you happy with going to make you happy you feel about yourself.

I feel happy when I have a relationship with God, though it's very important now is you can be poor and live in misery.

I know what it's like to be poor. I was vaporware. I was a single mother for eight years orphaned at 15, but you know what to appreciate what I did have, I took care of light that had I never suffered for not having things I suffered for not having a family. I suffered for the custody battles I was being taking for 14 years. I mean I know reasons to suffer.

It shouldn't be because something half because what's most important in this life is who you have not what you have when Joe Graybill agree completely, very, very important to many times we are called to report so much attention and important things we own and I reached a point in my life where I want to own anymore things because the things end up owning you and you yeah exactly in the older I get, the more I'm convinced of that. But I have a question for you. You have overcome some incredible obstacles in life and you have become very, very successful and you've mentioned several times today that this has to do with your relationship with God and your prayers. What convinced you that that would work will get you started and thinking that's the answer to come all at once or did you say want to give this a try other people and people little points. Sometimes somebody talks. Sometimes the therapist sometimes it's something that happened and for me it was going to Facebook. I ran across the rosary that you all my life I paid the rosary. This one please not in the paint for you so it's very passive and just stating your mind and between the prayers. This means they and their standbys like set your heart that you had on things of this earth, but set your heart on the things that happen in heaven and gives you advice so I thought it it was thought it was a lot of work to the rosary. This made it so much easier.

I started doing the rosary every day and Shirley, my life changed. You know how amazing Grace to say I was blind and I see they weren't kidding. I saw things so much more clearly.

Once I dedicate at least 39 it's got everything, when I prioritized him when I made the beginning of my heavy date came into and that would change my life. At some point in time you started to see results and you said this is working I'm going to keep doing well. I realized that I can fight my bad feelings for my depression. For example: pickpocket seat pickpocket is trying to make me feel bad and he did that to the saints.

By the way he given the pricing to the point that they can even pray right so you know it does happen. So what I do is I the more I feel like the more frustrated I think it frustrating unless the Medicare the more good things and do the closer you get to God.

What good deeds and you and I learned that doing good for others and doing the right thing and doing deeds in silence is what made me feel better not drinking drinking, escaping and avoiding the situation or ignoring the problem with it accepting with it and learning that piece of puzzle on the part of your life for a greater purpose and I think God for this insight. Because it come to me up until I started praying and I took that seriously, and I prayed everything and that's what it was for me. It just happened by chance.

What was it for you will pretty much similar way and obviously the details are different, but I learned that my focus on constantly trying to find all the answers for myself only backup I had a very different growing up like a first-generation American.

My parents came from Italy. This was about loving and caring a household.

You can imagine, I had everything and of what was important in my life but I didn't necessarily trust in something outside of myself to get things done. I had to do it. I had to figure it out. It had to be this way, and so on and so forth that in trust and as a result of reading certain books following certain speakers. I started to have an understanding that there is more out there at my disposal if I would just be in contact with in the most appropriate and the most effective way to be in contact with this trooper is through the surrender is through saying yes, I trust I am with you. I'll follow your lead's I see myself suffering more when it came to paying $1000 to my attorney by when I couldn't do what I was doing to make that happen.

God provided an attorney could represent me for free which the medical is thank you, Jay Libby, listening well I found a quote from the Bible reinforces exactly what we're talking about in terms of prayer and having confidence in knowing that what you prayer what you pray for can and will come into your life and this is Mark 1124 therefore I say to you all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them and they will be granted to you, the belief part is the most important trust. It happened from losing things in my life is only done with God and it's just not the things that I know God's I use for example music. Music is very therapeutic and sweaty times that I was in the music music that's playing exactly to do with the way you're feeling and gets exactly the right answer and give you an example. One day I had very bad night nightmares and I felt very sick and all the muscles in my body were hurting come down with the flu. My stomach hurt and everything hurts. Socialistic never felt so sick and then in the morning I was thinking I was in my car and I was thinking like a beat focusing sometimes and one think that why did you let me know what each of the stuff for so long waiting to step in. Sooner he said something like it takes a while to make a masterpiece, but I'm thinking this listening to the song that's playing on the radio. Guess what someplace across me. So the fact that my see if he crossed her. You cross me and is basically think that I think I got your back. Don't worry about it did not fear as you understand good messages and matter how you understand this is someone else might. That's what matters the most is how it was the first time I heard that song sung. It's amazing it really is and I mean look at the way success and God me so we are all getting given special gifts to survive like this Dr. friend of mine said, well, somebody else may not be capable like you want that kind of judging right because you know each one of us have different gifts and even though we show in paper or in grades or in career as a guest at our meeting other people and we just have to tap into it.

I really believe that because everybody is special and is loved by God, and I think people like you Dale that you are able to share your story that you wrote a book that you care to help others and I think the more we bring people to this way of thinking that less people will suffer back to tell you that I hurts me that people suffer. I know what it's like to suffer and it's not fun by your book called the process of letting it come out yet or where can we find well is probably a month or two away. I'm learning to publishing the book is one much harder than writing it. Yeah I know I had no idea, but I have wonderful people who are helping me, caring people, people who have given more than I had expected more than they promised and I'm very very grateful for that and I think that too far away, getting very close to the point where it will be released.

I think God influences people. And that's why the right person comes into our path state that anything you might well now I could because I could be convinced that that would be wonderful, and it is their website. I will put your information on my website and is their website. How can people find out where you have your speaking engagements in case they want to attend. We invite you, the domain is the process of living.com that's worth going to be, but the website were in design right now.

I expect that website to be up and running. I would say no later than the first end of the first week of August we will have all the pieces in place and I would say anyone who's listening would like to get in touch with him about the end of the first week in August you will be able to go to that site, and you'll see the web with much information, including any speaking once takes myself help others to police leave its skeleton and it's been wonderful down wonderful cast. Thank you so so much.

Thank you all for listeners and think you will burping. I'm honored more information on Delta Barbara can be found on Amy,.com and guests has been the care on any capital


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